I don't know what is going on. I constantly feel that I'm SHIT. Complete and full. I don't see any progree in marks, attitude, desires achievments.
I know that everyone are telling that I already did a great job that I'm only 21 and I already study with PhD students and who knows, maybe soon I will be among them. They say that I'm so young and I already manage my life. Without support of family, relatives and other possible supporters (brothers, sisters, husbands). I know that they are saying that I'm so young and I already received Fulbright scholarship to come here, to US. I know all of that. But it still doesn't make me feel better.
Professor, with whome I'm working now is thinking that I'm probably dumb-dumb. He is not talking with me about my projects, not discussing the follow up even when I directly ask about this. He is troubleshooting my own project with other guy. It hurts even more, because I was standing next to him, when he was doing this. Yes, I know it sounds childishly, but my pride is hurt. I'm not so stupid. I can give smart answers....
Today I came to the exam and I knew almost all questions. I was surprised with this. My personal estimation is already so low, that I don't know how it can be even lower. And I know what you will say: If you do not estimate yourself, no one else will do it for you. I know. But this feeling is already there.
Maybe I'm just tired. This exams are killing me. Maybe, I will go back home, rest for a month and everything will be better? I will believe in myself again?? I do hope for that. Because this shitty feeling is killing me.
And this absence. Absence of essential people. People that work like heaters for your soul. Someone whome you can call and you don't need to say anything he/she will understand you without words and will just tell you to come to his/her place for a cup of tea/coffee/shot of vodka/bottle of beer. I miss those people, that were like angels...
Today I went from exam and I wanted to shout. My brain was in coma and there was no one to understand my condition. So, I just went home to sleep. I'm not saying that I don't have "friends" here. They are. But they are more like people whome I know and not friends...
I need to release stress. As Fern says, there are just two ways to release stress: to have sex, or to go to the gym. I have third solutions: to get drunk.
This Friday I'm drinking...
