I just want to run away...

Больше всего мне сейчас хочеться плакать. Но кажеться слез больше не осталось. А может и остались, но учитывая то колличество, что уже было пролито, становиться просто стыдно проливать еще хотя бы одну. А еще я безумно хочу убежать. Неважно куда бежать, главное бежать отсюда. Чтобы больше не быть окружженной этими людьми, чтобы не просыпаться каждый день в 6.30 от судорожной мысли, что я снова опаздываю, при чем на работу на которой нет установленого рабочего графика или времени прихода. Просто есть вот такое невидимое вездесущее око, котрое тебя постоянно пасет. Хочу убежать от этих надоедливых взглядов, от этих однообразных тем, от этого молчаливого пресса и невозможности делать свою работу в радостном настроении и с креативом. Хочу просто зарыться под одеяло и провести там дни если не недели. Хочу снова иметь ощущение легкости когда прихожу домой, а не ощущение удушья от маленькой квартиры и замкнутого социального круга. Я много чего хочу, но более всего я хочу просто сюда не возвращаться и не думать о том куда мне идти дальше. Хочу снова просыпаться рядом, но при этом не чувствовать утраченного времени или утраченного чего-то особенного, а снова быть наполненой той детской восторженностью и ощущением того, что он мой, что он любимый и что сейчас нам не нужно думать о чем-то важном, глубоком и стратегическом, а можно просто наслаждаться ЭТИМ конкретным моментом.И порой этого хочеться просто до боли, а порой хочеться всу отпустить и больше никогда не возвращаться к этой мысли, а еще лучше не просто отпустить, а разбить все вдребезги или спалить дотла, так чтобы никогда больше не иметь возможности вернуться туда, потому что ничего нельзя вернуть, особенного утраченого счастья, нужно просто искать чего-то нового, но для этого нужно сначала разобраться со своим прошлым. И тогда я снова возвращаюсь к вопросу, что делать дальше и снова иду по кругу. "Хочу вытянуть из глупой башки тротил и разобраться что же я за зверь"

Movies

Movies... In certain way they are reflections of what we are urging to see. Seriously, how many times when you just wanted to relax you clicked on stupid movie that will allow you to switch off your brain and how many times did it actually happen vice versa? What I realized about myself is that I can not watch stupid movies. I simply can not. Because afterwards I fell disgust to myself. In a way: How could I waist my time for this shit??? Maybe in such way I don't let my brain to cool down, but I rather prefer to watch cars moving in a highway then actually watching movie without a sense. The last movie that enormously impressed me is "Высоцкий: Спасибо, что живой" (Vysozkiy: Thank you, for being alive). I am a big fan of Vysozkiy. He is one of the poets that touches my heart. I can listen to his songs and read his poems without stopping. This movie is actually showing us Vysozkiy not from the best view, as a drug addict, as a cheating husband, but enormously talented. Hidden line that comes in every second scene is love of simple people towards him. They could do anything that Volodya would ask. It is quite astonishing, considering that he was a cheating husband and a drug addict, not counting alcoholism... And you know, it is actually applicable even to our common life. People who are enormously talented in their field are forgiven for minor discrepancies that they do. I totally recommend everyone watching this movie...

My year 2011

It already became a very good habit - to summarize the year that passed. So, I would like to continue it, by summarizing my year 2011. First of all, I would like to start with resolutions that I maid last year. Well, actually I'm very proud of myself :) I fulfilled all of them! Nice, ha? I realized that we don't follow them, because we simply forget what we wrote a year ago! Our life is sooo busy and dynamic that sometimes we simply don't have time to remind ourselves what our initial goals were. So, revising my resolutions around March-April actually helped me in following them. So, now I would like to start with summarizing month by month :) Let's begin! January: While writing these lines I realized that I will not give a lot of attention to the event that hapenned with me on 31st of December, just because it hapenned in 2010 and I'm talking about 2011 here and because last year I wrote summary of the year few days before its end, which helped me to avoid writing about it, let's just act like it never hapenned at all. I want it be whipped from my memories. I will talk just about 2011! So, my few first days of January were spend at home with a big black eye, but I'm a fighter, so I slowly started recovering and after some time I was already able to come out on the streets without horrifying fear, though some residuals are still left and I don't know when they will go away :( I was lucky enough to have my mother visiting me, so first of all she helped me a lot in my recovery and also we thrown a great Christmas party where everyone really enjoyed enormous amount of food that we maid :)

Since I was in no condition to travel, my mum and I spend time in Chicago, mostly shopping :) It was really great to have her with me for such a long time! February: Mostly spend in lab. I was trying to recover from hard times that I had in previous semester and I think that most of the time I was successful :) But working for 12H straight, never benefited anyone, that's why during last days of February I went to Minneapolis to visit a friend of mine - Nastya, just to change my surroundings. Oh my, it was such a wonderful trip! Nastya is also a Fulbright scholar. She studied Educational Policies in University of Minnesota. She is very smart, pro-active and very modest personality. I enjoyed our time together so much! Because of Nastya I met with 2 friends of her's - Gera and Illya. These two are soooo funny that I was laughing every minute of our conversations.

March: In March I decided that I can not stay in US anymore and I have to un-wind from all these challenges that I have, so I bought tickets to go home. Of course I had one more reason to do so! My best friend - Nastya was getting married and I was supposed to be a maid of honor! Who can miss such an event??? So, I bought my tickets and started anxiously waiting for 3rd of May to come :) Except of waiting I had a lot of lab work, so time flew by! April: For April I can almost say the same, just that climate in the lab started to get better, which made me much happier from inside and I could perform my work better. Well, smart people say that we shouldn't be effected by negative surroundings. Probably I'm just not that advanced in self-motivation, so I do get effected. Also it is hard for me to be in conflict with someone. I have to resolve it, otherwise it will be eating me from inside... May: And so it came! I was the happiest person ever on that plane :) Except for the fact that I had absolutely no documents to return to US :) Problem was in my grant renewal. Fulbright had some time issues and my coordinator didn't send my paper work on time. So, despite the fact that I might not be able to return to US, I just left. I couldn't stay any longer. Pressure that I was living in for past 1.5 years was just unbearable. And here I was :) Back home :) First 2-3 days in Lviv were just swapped with amount of work for Nastya's wedding, but these were pleasant troubles. OMG!!!! It was such a beautiful wedding! Simply enjoyed every moment of it, though I still think that Nastya was strongly un-satisfied with my performance :) Well, what can I do :) That's just me an jet lag :) It was super awesome to see all good friends: Rita, Lara, Slavik, Olesya and so many more! After the wedding, Rita, Lara, Slavik and I went to Kruyivka to continue our celebration :) I came home at 6 am.. And woke up around lunch time with hang over :) Wedding was a success :)

Time was flying like crazy. Though I had few more responsibilities to fulfill :) I made a promise to visit Katya in Odessa and it is very pleasant promise to deliver :) So, I went to Odessa. OMG! Those were some crazy 4 days with never finishing drinking, hang-overs, sea, talks with my beloved Katya, priceless time that spend together, nights on the sea, shisha on the sea-shore, drinking in the night on the harbor. OH MY GOD!!!!! These are the only words that I have in mind. As usually I had to change my tickets to extend my trip for one more day :) On the last day we went to Shevchenko park and continued our good-byes, after that Katya, Bayron and Belka went to say good byes to the train station and somehow I even don't know how those two (Katya and Belka) jumped into train to say good bye to me till the next station, and after next station good byes continued to Lviv. It is just indescribable. Well, the most important that we had one more day together. That's what matters. In the evening I send those two to train station and we continued talking on the phone with Katya till the end of my staying in Ukraine.

Time back home was priceless because I could spend time with my grandparents. Both of them are very sick and no one knows whether I will have a chance to see them during my next visits. Also I realized that my every trip to Ukraine is filled with time spend with one particular person. Somehow its just hapenned that I spend a lot of time with Olesya Stasiv, I'm not saying that I didn't want it to happen, its actually opposite, I desperately wanted it to happen, maybe that's why :) But I feel that my every visit is like dominated by one person at a time. And it is super cool, that I have such friends, that no matter what still find time for me :) June: On June 2nd I came to US full of new hopes, desire to achieve more and finally finish what I started 2 years ago :) So, I dived into lab work with new motivation for achievement. It was wonderful! I'm telling you! I couldn't remember times when I was so focused and so motivated! I felt like bullet-proof tank. I could go to my goal no matter what. If my adviser didn't like ideas that I brought, I would just say: "Well, ok :), I will continue working, in order to improve what ever I achieved so far" It was an awesome feeling. I created my own project and dived into realization of it. One more event happened after my coming back from home. At the beginning it seemed that it is a negative, but then it actually turned out to be something super awesome :) Hazem and I broke up. But after few days we realized that we can not stay apart. We have to be together, but certain things have to be changed and since that time we really improved our relationship. Its much better compare to what it used to be before. And I'm happy for both of us :) July: I can not remember anything particular about July. I think I was just working in the lab and going out for lunches, dinners and movies :) August: In August we celebrated Divya's birthday. It was very nice. We went to the wonderful Mexican restaurant, with amazing food and great drinks. Good time! After that we obviously had to continue it in Irish pub with a lot of beer and even more cool talks :) Also at the end of August I decided that I miss something crazy in my life, so I booked tickets to go to Boston to visit another friend of mine, Tanya, she is also a Fulbright scholar and it has been a while since we spend some time together. So, I decided to use her invitation and visit Boston in September. September: For Labor day I went to Boston. OMG, I felt in love with this city almost instantly.I can not say that I had a moment of deja vu, as if I lived there before, but I absolutely loved a place! My friend came to pick me up in the airport around midnight, so we reached home around 1 am and it was totally safe to walk on the streets. Maybe its just that part of the city, maybe not, I don't know, but I was shocked :) I spend 3 full days there and wish I could have more :) I saw Harvard and MIT :), bought a T-shirt, went for whale watching in the open ocean, something that I was not able to do in Monterey, eat clam chowder soup and had dinner in Small Italy! OMG, it was simply amazing!

After such a wonderful trip I had enormous amount of motivation to work in the lab and it was great. You know travelling is a great source of inspiration, sometimes simply by changing your surroundings, some times due to the lessons that we learn trough the journey, but most of the time because of the people that we meet on our way. During visit to Boston Tanya asked me soooo many questions, that I couldn't even imagine that someone can even think so much about stuff. She made me look on so many things from a new perspective! Thank you so much, my dear, for this! October: Oh my dear October, it was filled with work in the lab, hanging out with friends and the most remembered event probably will be Halloween :) This year, it was my first time to go out for bar hopping on the Halloween night. It was soooo cool! A lot of fun. Every one is super drunk and every one is having insane fun. We went through several bars, danced everywhere, took mad pictures and happily went home :)

November: In November the most important holiday is of course my birthday :))) This year I celebrated it in Jamaican restaurant. Well, in general it was fine, but I wouldn't go there again. The most important that I had nice people around me and we ended up in a cool bar, where some strange chick was trying to approach me with weird business ideas :) God save America :) Business is everywhere :)

After that I was supposed to give my literature seminar, but things always change in this life :) So, it was shifted to December :) Instead of that we went to SFRBM meeting in Atlanta. This was my first time attending scientific conference and it was my first time presenting poster, and I can freely tell you, that it was awesome!!! Loved it! Also it was my first time visiting south of USA, I can say that it is actually different from Midwest. We had amazing time in Atlanta and actually had some time to go sightseeing:)

December: This December I will remember for my literature seminar, which went well. I had to re-write it I think 3 times, but the most important is the end result, right? So, it went well. I got stuck in my work, but in January, was able to find an answer :) My mum came to visit me, so we could spend New Year and Christmas together. I had some important meetings with my adviser that determined my next steps in MS program and everything started to be better :) In general, I can say that this year is much better than a previous one, but it is still not perfect, I feel that it is like climbing the mountain. Now I can at least see the peak, before that I thought that I'm actually slowly moving down. I feel that my black stripe is over and I'm moving towards the brighter side. And it is a wonderful feeling! And I will continue working on it in new 2012 year :) Some of the books that touched me in 2011 were: "Kite runner" by Khalid Houssein, "Thousand splendid suns" by the same author, "Catcher in the rye" by Selindger, "Ishmael" by Daniel Quinn. Movies that had an effect: "Высоцкий: спасибо, что живой", Contagion. And now My New Year resolutions: 1) I want to improve my writing skills, that's why I will continue writing this blog, but now more actively. I'm setting a goal of at least 2 posts per month, which is a post in 2 weeks. Not bad, quite manageable :) 2) I will continue taking care of my health, that's why I want to find type of sport or physical activity that I would really like doing, something like yoga, kick-boxing or something else and I will stick to it, at least 2 times a week. 3) I will continue swimming on weekends, it makes me happy :) 4) I want to set a goal in reading books. Somewhere I read that if you will read 1 book per week that will end up to 54 books per year, so let's not get fanatical about it, I will set a goal of 30 book per year 5) I will take care of body weight and I will find an optimal condition :) 6) I want to have a trip to South-East Asia for 3 weeks. I need to do everything possible in order to accomplish it! 7) And the most important I need to figure out what to do in life :) Either I want to continue scientific career or I want to try myself in pharmaceutical business. Now it is a prime time to make a decision! That's all! Hope you enjoyed reading :)

Flexibility

I realized that I'm not flexible in my work. Currently I'm mentoring one Indian guy and frankly it is a hard task. I feel that there is some kind of tension or confrontation between two of us. I mean, it is not like we are fighting with each other, but I would rather call it confrontation of minds. He doesn't want to except my leadership, I don't want to except his rules of the game. In another situation I would just let it go. Currently my position about such issues is "if you don't want to learn from me, fine, go find someone else who can teach, because I will not do it any more".
But he made me thinking today. At the end of the day our working target was achieved, in different way that I wanted it to be done though. My approach was based more on his learning and showing him best case practice, his approach was based on being done with it. And I will agree, it made me angry. It made me angry, because things were done not my way. But Actually why should I care? As long as it is done, project is going on, right? So, maybe my actual position is not completely "I don't care" one? Maybe I actually do care that he will learn something? Or it is more about my egoism? That things were not done in the way how I wanted them to happen? Probably it is some kind of combination.



I know that all super organization and peculiarity about work is because I had a lot of shit happening to me at the beginning of my studies here. I felt that I was to flexible or maybe too undisciplined? Well, now I have plenty of self discipline and a lot or self responsibility. A lot of people actually freak out of me, for them it is too perfect. For me it is a way how to keep control over my life. I'm not trying to play God, I'm just trying to organize things that I can control.

Well, major thought I had today is that I'm not enough flexible in my work and probably in life too. And also I realized that if I don't know answer to the question it bothers me... I don't like unanswered questions...

Everything is changing too fast. Things change, people change, environment change. Hey world! Can you slow down just a little bit. I do want some acting in my life, but I don't want certain things to change. I want my friends to stay the way they were when I left, I want relationship to have the same meaning as they used to have. I still want to have my people, being my people. I don't want this things to change. I want the CORE. I want that something that was uniting us to be the same. I want to be back. Why we are so far apart now? Why there is whole ocean between us?

Reality is too shocking to be excepted...

Recently I caught myself on a thought that I was never loved so much by someone, excluding my mum of course. I was never so tenderly loved be a man.

He is always there. At any hour of a day or night. He is always there by my side. He is always supportive, motivating, hugging, funny and just the way you need him.

He is there when I laugh and he is there when I cry. He is there to support me when I'm super frustrated and he is there when I'm jumping from joy. He always knows what I need to hear this or that second. He is just the way how THE ONE should be.

I will not lie, not always it was like this. At the beginning it was muuuuuch worse than what it is right now. It took a lot of time and efforts from both sides to get where we are right now, and I'm extremely happy about the relationship that I have.

I constantly feel happy......

Social classes

No, I'm not trying to be snobbish, no, I'm not trying to say that I'm better, no, I'm not trying to say that I want to isolate from others. I just want to say that all of us are belonging to exact and specific social classes.

And in my opinion it is normal. I think it is perfectly ok, if people are trying to mingle with people that are bringing them social satisfaction, with people that are contributing to each others personal growth. I sincerely think that it is perfectly fine.

Why I'm so furious about it? Just right now I had a talk with my mum where she described her weekend. She spend it with some old friends of our family. Some time ago we used to be very close to each other, we used to share a lot. Same family problems, almost same income, though my parents used to work in Ukraine and those guys worked in Poland and Italy, but at the end of the day it doesn't matter where you get your money from. So in those days we were pretty close as I said. But it seems that people change with time, it seems that environment is really a big contributor. Now jealousy and misunderstanding are major factors to this relationship.

During 15 years that we know each other my mum got divorced, got new job and really successed in it, I graduated from college, got excepted in graduate program in US and most of my time I spend outside Ukraine. And those guys gave a birth to a child, moved to Poland for permanent residence and managed to break up twice. Now they are again quarreling and it seems that it will all end up with divorce. My mum really tried to be supportive when it was needed, but every time it ends up her being blamed for giving wrong advises. Whatever. It is not a point right now. My point is that during these years my mum and I were growing more, we grew professionally and personally and it was our conscious choice, we wanted to do it and our friends at the same time stayed at the same level where they were. They didn't do anything to be better. At least I didn't see it happening. When they had an opportunity to go and continue their education they skipped, when they had an opportunity to get a better job than cleaning houses they skipped again and at the end of the day they still have guts to make fun of my mum and tell her that both of us are blessed and we have to much luxury in our lives???? They have guts constantly to judge our income and our behavior??? Who are you??? What did you achieve in life in order to behave like that??? I worked my ass off to be where I am right now, my mum did even more. She had a lot of shitty things in her life and no matter what she was strong, she was persistent and she did her best at every situation and at every moment of her life. And she truly deserves to be where she is right now, so every one who has other opinion should shut their fucking mouth up and be silent in the corner, because they have absolutely no right to say so. Because we decided to grow and they decided to stay at the same level of development and that's our major difference.

That's why I think it is more peaceful for me and my mum to maintain relationship with people who are at the same social level as we are in order to have relaxing weekend, in order to have less stress in our lives, in order to grow eve more.