Flexibility

I realized that I'm not flexible in my work. Currently I'm mentoring one Indian guy and frankly it is a hard task. I feel that there is some kind of tension or confrontation between two of us. I mean, it is not like we are fighting with each other, but I would rather call it confrontation of minds. He doesn't want to except my leadership, I don't want to except his rules of the game. In another situation I would just let it go. Currently my position about such issues is "if you don't want to learn from me, fine, go find someone else who can teach, because I will not do it any more".
But he made me thinking today. At the end of the day our working target was achieved, in different way that I wanted it to be done though. My approach was based more on his learning and showing him best case practice, his approach was based on being done with it. And I will agree, it made me angry. It made me angry, because things were done not my way. But Actually why should I care? As long as it is done, project is going on, right? So, maybe my actual position is not completely "I don't care" one? Maybe I actually do care that he will learn something? Or it is more about my egoism? That things were not done in the way how I wanted them to happen? Probably it is some kind of combination.



I know that all super organization and peculiarity about work is because I had a lot of shit happening to me at the beginning of my studies here. I felt that I was to flexible or maybe too undisciplined? Well, now I have plenty of self discipline and a lot or self responsibility. A lot of people actually freak out of me, for them it is too perfect. For me it is a way how to keep control over my life. I'm not trying to play God, I'm just trying to organize things that I can control.

Well, major thought I had today is that I'm not enough flexible in my work and probably in life too. And also I realized that if I don't know answer to the question it bothers me... I don't like unanswered questions...

Everything is changing too fast. Things change, people change, environment change. Hey world! Can you slow down just a little bit. I do want some acting in my life, but I don't want certain things to change. I want my friends to stay the way they were when I left, I want relationship to have the same meaning as they used to have. I still want to have my people, being my people. I don't want this things to change. I want the CORE. I want that something that was uniting us to be the same. I want to be back. Why we are so far apart now? Why there is whole ocean between us?

Reality is too shocking to be excepted...

Recently I caught myself on a thought that I was never loved so much by someone, excluding my mum of course. I was never so tenderly loved be a man.

He is always there. At any hour of a day or night. He is always there by my side. He is always supportive, motivating, hugging, funny and just the way you need him.

He is there when I laugh and he is there when I cry. He is there to support me when I'm super frustrated and he is there when I'm jumping from joy. He always knows what I need to hear this or that second. He is just the way how THE ONE should be.

I will not lie, not always it was like this. At the beginning it was muuuuuch worse than what it is right now. It took a lot of time and efforts from both sides to get where we are right now, and I'm extremely happy about the relationship that I have.

I constantly feel happy......

Social classes

No, I'm not trying to be snobbish, no, I'm not trying to say that I'm better, no, I'm not trying to say that I want to isolate from others. I just want to say that all of us are belonging to exact and specific social classes.

And in my opinion it is normal. I think it is perfectly ok, if people are trying to mingle with people that are bringing them social satisfaction, with people that are contributing to each others personal growth. I sincerely think that it is perfectly fine.

Why I'm so furious about it? Just right now I had a talk with my mum where she described her weekend. She spend it with some old friends of our family. Some time ago we used to be very close to each other, we used to share a lot. Same family problems, almost same income, though my parents used to work in Ukraine and those guys worked in Poland and Italy, but at the end of the day it doesn't matter where you get your money from. So in those days we were pretty close as I said. But it seems that people change with time, it seems that environment is really a big contributor. Now jealousy and misunderstanding are major factors to this relationship.

During 15 years that we know each other my mum got divorced, got new job and really successed in it, I graduated from college, got excepted in graduate program in US and most of my time I spend outside Ukraine. And those guys gave a birth to a child, moved to Poland for permanent residence and managed to break up twice. Now they are again quarreling and it seems that it will all end up with divorce. My mum really tried to be supportive when it was needed, but every time it ends up her being blamed for giving wrong advises. Whatever. It is not a point right now. My point is that during these years my mum and I were growing more, we grew professionally and personally and it was our conscious choice, we wanted to do it and our friends at the same time stayed at the same level where they were. They didn't do anything to be better. At least I didn't see it happening. When they had an opportunity to go and continue their education they skipped, when they had an opportunity to get a better job than cleaning houses they skipped again and at the end of the day they still have guts to make fun of my mum and tell her that both of us are blessed and we have to much luxury in our lives???? They have guts constantly to judge our income and our behavior??? Who are you??? What did you achieve in life in order to behave like that??? I worked my ass off to be where I am right now, my mum did even more. She had a lot of shitty things in her life and no matter what she was strong, she was persistent and she did her best at every situation and at every moment of her life. And she truly deserves to be where she is right now, so every one who has other opinion should shut their fucking mouth up and be silent in the corner, because they have absolutely no right to say so. Because we decided to grow and they decided to stay at the same level of development and that's our major difference.

That's why I think it is more peaceful for me and my mum to maintain relationship with people who are at the same social level as we are in order to have relaxing weekend, in order to have less stress in our lives, in order to grow eve more.

Fear

It seems that I have to admit it. Yes, I'm haunted by fear. I feel that it is following me on every street of this windy city. And this fear has a face. It is a young black guy, 18-20 years old, wearing loose jeans and white hoody. This is the only description that I have in my memory abut event that hapenned with me in the night of 31st December when I was mugged. When I suffered humiliation of being punched in the face several times, humiliation of being almost strangled to death. And lost i-pod is the least thing that I'm worried about.
I literally can not walk home on that road. And it doesn't matter what time it is. I fell like he will appear from the nearest corner and attack me again. But this time he will do smth worse to me. And I'm again scared.
Every day I wait for a bus to come and drop me home. I feel that I already progressed. At least I'm not scared to walk 2 minutes from the bus stop to my house. I really hope that taking small step at a time I will be able to live normal life again. But I'm not sure. Till now...
Its just really hard and I feel that I need to write about it...

Сегодня

Сегодня был хороший день. Я сходила в церковь. Правда опоздала на службу Божую, но ничего, главное что я пришла, главное, что я не искала причин почему не встать сегодня утром вовремя, а просто собралась и поехала в церковь. Как только я вошла в храм я сразу поняла, что пришла в правильное место. Это знаете такое ощущение, когда ты вынириваешь из воды при плавании и делаешь этот один глоток воздуха и ты понимаешь, что это именно то, что тебе нужно было в этот момент, потому что легкие уже сжимал спазм. Так вот именно такое ощущение было у меня сегодня утром. Я вошла в церковь и сделала этот глоток воздуха...
В Украине я православная, тут я просто христианка. Для меня перестало иметь значение к какой конфесии относиться эта церковь. Совершенно. Я не знаю или это жизнь в США или это просто жизнь заграницей, но некоторые вещи (например патриархат той или иной церкви) перестает иметь значение. Немного отличаеться сам обряд в этой церкви, но в целом все как и всегда. Вот только здесь в конце службы поют "Боже нам Украину храни". Немного попахивает царской Россией, но что поделаешь, наверно это отпечаток жизни в США.
Так вот после того как служба закончилась я почувствовала такую легкость внутри, которую не ощущала уже давно. Я давно говорила Хасему, что мне не хватает чего-то высокого в жизни, чего-то такого чистого и правильного. Такого, на которое ты смотришь и понимаешь, что вот ОНО должно быть именно так, потому что так это правильно. Мне кажеться сегодня я его нашла. И от этого стало легко. Легко на душе. А это главное для меня. Потому что как сделать так чтобы было легко в теле я уже знаю, 2 раза в неделю бассейн и 2 раза в неделю полтора часа занятия в спортзале. И я чувствую эту легкость в своем теле. Болят мышци, трудно встать с постели утром, но есть какая-то странная легкость. А вот легкости в душе уже давно не было...

В который раз наверно напишу, что я слишком много думаю. Ну и пускай. Я много думаю о том, что было. Порой сильно зацыкливаюсь. Тогда мне на выручку приходит Катя и говорит: "Михед, ты слишком негативно думаешь, возвращайся к нам!" И я возвращаюсь. Я думаю о чем-то позитивном, о том, что будет после того как я закончу учебу тут. Понимаете, если взглянуть в целом на мою жизнь в США, то не все так плохо. Как говорит Ислам: "Чего грустить, у тебя есть крыша над головой и тебя есть что поесть" Да, у меня это все есть, но я знаю, что это не главное, у меня всегда были эти два элемента. Да, у многих людей в этом мире нет и этого, но я ничего не могу с этим поделать. Мы все приходим в этот мир с разными базовыми условиями. Так вот если я подумаю об определенных этапах моей жизни я могу описать их одним или несколькими словами. В Украине их было много. Была учеба в школе, это было слово соревнование, была учеба в университете и тут наверно есть несколько слов: беготня и неприятные люди. Это также был первый достаточно серйозный жизненный опыт. Опыт работы в коллективе, опыт дружбы с людьми из совершенно другого мира и да, это было трудно, потому что пожалуй первый раз мне пришлось пережить бойкот, непринимание в коллектив. Но ничего, как-то справилась. А потом был очень большой и объмный этап моей жизни, этап AIESEC. В АЙСЕКе было много разных событий. Было много радости и было достаточно разочарований, но вот знаете, что самое главное, у меня не было разочарования в людях. Ни разу за все 4.5 года работы. НИ ОДНОГО РАЗА! И я думаю, что это говорит о многом.
Вчера я пыталась объяснить Хасему почему мы работаем в АЙСЕКе. Почему мы тратим время, деньги, нашу энергию на организацию, в которой нам "даже не платят денег" (цитата), которая держиться на волонтерстве. И вы знаете, это первый раз за 2 года когда я говорила с такими чувтсвами и эмоциями про что-то. Потому что там было мое сердце и мое время в АЙСЕКе можно описать одним предложением: Я БЫЛА СЧАСТЛИВА! Несмотря ни на что. Я была счастлива. А здесь нет. И мне это не нравиться. И я хочу это изменить.