Mothers

My roommate's mother came to visit her for approximately 2.5 months. They haven't seen each other for 9 months before that. You know, when she just arrived I couldn't see those exciting feeling between them. Nothing like watching on each other with those sparkles in the eyes. SO, I was confused. How is it possible that you haven't seen your mum for so long and you don't have exploding emotions or at least something more than average written on your face. And then time was passing. Talisa had lot's of studying and not always enough time for her mum, but still every evening they were having dinner together or at least something like that and I could see more and more that they have all this tremendous feelings, its just that they don't show them that much.
I will lie and tell that I was always happy with her mum presence in our apartment. I had different thoughts about all of it. I was disturbed many times, but now it doesn't matter, because she is leaving on Monday, which day after tomorrow. Maybe I will never see her again or maybe we will see each other somewhere in Iran, who knows :)
But today in the morning I had very touching conversation with her. Also, you should consider that she hardly speaks English. So, first of all, she was extremely happy to see me in the morning, that's why she hugged me very tightly and said some mice words. And then she started to cry. Because she is leaving in 2 days and her poor Talisa is alone here. No one from the family is here and something like that. I tried to calm her down, but we both know that it is impossible, when she is in such a mood. Then I was talking with Talisa in her room and her mum was several times coming to the room, but she had tears in her eyes, so she was all the time going away to wipe them and only after that come back. Eventually she managed to control her feelings and she came to the room and they were talking something in Farsi to each other and I could see it in their eyes. I could that SOMETHING that I didn't see when she came. And at that moment I realized that no matter how I was disturb or irritated I will never allow myself to disturb that meeting of daughter and mother, that tremendous meeting.

Its is up to you!

When you hear such phrase in AIESEC you get motivated, when you hear such phrase in US you get depressed. Difference is that when someone is telling it to you in AIESEC they most of the time mean that they will not interrupt your business and you have completely free environment for your imagination, but when you are told this phrase in US, it means that no one is willing to help you. I'm not saying that no one at all, but most of them. Most of the time they just don't want to spend some extra time and efforts on you. And worse situation is when you don't know exactly what you need to do, which people to contact and so on and so force. It can be an endless story.
I heard it to many times here... Too many times I was in shit. But maybe that's just life? I don't know.
One very typical example is life in University and communication between students. In my University in Ukraine if someone knew some news about the course, grades, extra studying sessions or something like that, news were spread in seconds. Here completely opposite, if you will not get direct e-mail from the professor, your colleagues will never share any information with you. Why? You should search for it by yourself. It is very individualistic society. The same during the lab work. They will give you some major hints about the work and that's it. Everything else you need to find my yourself. Dig in thousands of papers, materials and manuals and you need to come up with your own bright idea, otherwise you will not succeed first of all and second of all they might say that you steel someones idea, which can be a criminal case.
So, as you can see, it is hard :(
But no matter what I have to struggle :))

Emotional coma. How is it? It is like you have a ball in your chest and you can't breath at all. You stop breathing for a while and then very smart though comes: "What if I will stop breathing at all? Just for fun, see how it works. And then you realize that you actually need to take one inhale after another and then you actually need to breath it out. Without stopping. After that you actually start thinking that if I will breath deep enough I will eventually come down. No way! It doesn't go away, no matter how hard you try. It just sits there. It is something like endless emptiness that is located in your lungs and spreads through whole your body.
Then you stop having any thoughts at all. Nothing. Empty head..............
And then one after another they come. I don't want to go back. I don't want everything to finish like that. BUT I DID!!!!!!! Fucking shit, I did!!!! I struggled, I fought for it! I did my best, but I didn't know the right way. I just didn't know how to do it exactly, but I tried!!!!!Isn't something that should be valued?
I don't know. I'm lost..... What should I do.......I don't have any idea what to do. At all... I'm in coma...

Finally semester is over no more studying like hell, living in the library and completely no free time. Finally no more organic chemistry that is due to Monday and it means that whole Sunday is spend for memorizing new reactions that I will probably never use again, no more lectures at 8 am, when I'm halfway asleep and really trying to wake myself up with another sip of coffee. No more....
As well, no more crazy workload and complete absence of what to do in the evening. I felt really lonely last week, because I didn't know where to spend all my so called free time. This week it is better, I try to keep myself as busy as possible and also I try to get used to new lifestyle, when I just need to enjoy this way.
Last to last evening I went out to have dinner with friends, last night I've seen movie, see, I try my best :) BTW, if you plan to see Robin Hood, don't do it. Doesn't worth your money :) At least money spend for a ticket were not mine :)
So guys, if you have any ideas what else I can do in my free time I would be really thankful :)

Also, when I have too much free time I start to think too much :) Which is not my best habit :) I don't know why but I realized that I do not belong to this place. You know, it is some kind of tricky feeling when you walk through streets and I think that it is happening not with me, it is probably someone else. This feeling I had at the beginning of my staying in US. When I was coming to all this classes and labs I couldn't believe that it is me, Yuliya Mikhed, who is sitting here in the class, writing all this papers and taking notes, it is me, who has this great apartment in walking distance to UIC and so on and so force, I couldn't believe this at all. Later on, I realized that if I will be passive observer I might get into trouble, so I tried to be as attached as possible with that state of my mind. I think that introduction to this new environment finished after me coming back from Winter brake in Ukraine, when I actually started to miss a bit my life in US.
Right now I completely understand my role in all processes that I'm involved in, but still so many times I don't feel personal belonging to this place. I somehow don't feel emotional attachment, I don't know, maybe I need more time, maybe I need more friends or a boyfriend, to feel complete attachment? I don't know, this is still an open question.
What I know for sure is that this Summer I'm staying here and most probably up to New Year. Than I don't know, if I fell extreme homesickness, I will say big fuck off to all stuff here and I will go HOME at least for a month, if not than I will come HOME next Summer.