When you hear such phrase in AIESEC you get motivated, when you hear such phrase in US you get depressed. Difference is that when someone is telling it to you in AIESEC they most of the time mean that they will not interrupt your business and you have completely free environment for your imagination, but when you are told this phrase in US, it means that no one is willing to help you. I'm not saying that no one at all, but most of them. Most of the time they just don't want to spend some extra time and efforts on you. And worse situation is when you don't know exactly what you need to do, which people to contact and so on and so force. It can be an endless story.
I heard it to many times here... Too many times I was in shit. But maybe that's just life? I don't know.
One very typical example is life in University and communication between students. In my University in Ukraine if someone knew some news about the course, grades, extra studying sessions or something like that, news were spread in seconds. Here completely opposite, if you will not get direct e-mail from the professor, your colleagues will never share any information with you. Why? You should search for it by yourself. It is very individualistic society. The same during the lab work. They will give you some major hints about the work and that's it. Everything else you need to find my yourself. Dig in thousands of papers, materials and manuals and you need to come up with your own bright idea, otherwise you will not succeed first of all and second of all they might say that you steel someones idea, which can be a criminal case.
So, as you can see, it is hard :(
But no matter what I have to struggle :))
суббота, 29 мая 2010 г.
вторник, 25 мая 2010 г.
Emotional coma. How is it? It is like you have a ball in your chest and you can't breath at all. You stop breathing for a while and then very smart though comes: "What if I will stop breathing at all? Just for fun, see how it works. And then you realize that you actually need to take one inhale after another and then you actually need to breath it out. Without stopping. After that you actually start thinking that if I will breath deep enough I will eventually come down. No way! It doesn't go away, no matter how hard you try. It just sits there. It is something like endless emptiness that is located in your lungs and spreads through whole your body.
Then you stop having any thoughts at all. Nothing. Empty head..............
And then one after another they come. I don't want to go back. I don't want everything to finish like that. BUT I DID!!!!!!! Fucking shit, I did!!!! I struggled, I fought for it! I did my best, but I didn't know the right way. I just didn't know how to do it exactly, but I tried!!!!!Isn't something that should be valued?
I don't know. I'm lost..... What should I do.......I don't have any idea what to do. At all... I'm in coma...
Then you stop having any thoughts at all. Nothing. Empty head..............
And then one after another they come. I don't want to go back. I don't want everything to finish like that. BUT I DID!!!!!!! Fucking shit, I did!!!! I struggled, I fought for it! I did my best, but I didn't know the right way. I just didn't know how to do it exactly, but I tried!!!!!Isn't something that should be valued?
I don't know. I'm lost..... What should I do.......I don't have any idea what to do. At all... I'm in coma...
пятница, 21 мая 2010 г.
Finally semester is over no more studying like hell, living in the library and completely no free time. Finally no more organic chemistry that is due to Monday and it means that whole Sunday is spend for memorizing new reactions that I will probably never use again, no more lectures at 8 am, when I'm halfway asleep and really trying to wake myself up with another sip of coffee. No more....
As well, no more crazy workload and complete absence of what to do in the evening. I felt really lonely last week, because I didn't know where to spend all my so called free time. This week it is better, I try to keep myself as busy as possible and also I try to get used to new lifestyle, when I just need to enjoy this way.
Last to last evening I went out to have dinner with friends, last night I've seen movie, see, I try my best :) BTW, if you plan to see Robin Hood, don't do it. Doesn't worth your money :) At least money spend for a ticket were not mine :)
So guys, if you have any ideas what else I can do in my free time I would be really thankful :)
Also, when I have too much free time I start to think too much :) Which is not my best habit :) I don't know why but I realized that I do not belong to this place. You know, it is some kind of tricky feeling when you walk through streets and I think that it is happening not with me, it is probably someone else. This feeling I had at the beginning of my staying in US. When I was coming to all this classes and labs I couldn't believe that it is me, Yuliya Mikhed, who is sitting here in the class, writing all this papers and taking notes, it is me, who has this great apartment in walking distance to UIC and so on and so force, I couldn't believe this at all. Later on, I realized that if I will be passive observer I might get into trouble, so I tried to be as attached as possible with that state of my mind. I think that introduction to this new environment finished after me coming back from Winter brake in Ukraine, when I actually started to miss a bit my life in US.
Right now I completely understand my role in all processes that I'm involved in, but still so many times I don't feel personal belonging to this place. I somehow don't feel emotional attachment, I don't know, maybe I need more time, maybe I need more friends or a boyfriend, to feel complete attachment? I don't know, this is still an open question.
What I know for sure is that this Summer I'm staying here and most probably up to New Year. Than I don't know, if I fell extreme homesickness, I will say big fuck off to all stuff here and I will go HOME at least for a month, if not than I will come HOME next Summer.
As well, no more crazy workload and complete absence of what to do in the evening. I felt really lonely last week, because I didn't know where to spend all my so called free time. This week it is better, I try to keep myself as busy as possible and also I try to get used to new lifestyle, when I just need to enjoy this way.
Last to last evening I went out to have dinner with friends, last night I've seen movie, see, I try my best :) BTW, if you plan to see Robin Hood, don't do it. Doesn't worth your money :) At least money spend for a ticket were not mine :)
So guys, if you have any ideas what else I can do in my free time I would be really thankful :)
Also, when I have too much free time I start to think too much :) Which is not my best habit :) I don't know why but I realized that I do not belong to this place. You know, it is some kind of tricky feeling when you walk through streets and I think that it is happening not with me, it is probably someone else. This feeling I had at the beginning of my staying in US. When I was coming to all this classes and labs I couldn't believe that it is me, Yuliya Mikhed, who is sitting here in the class, writing all this papers and taking notes, it is me, who has this great apartment in walking distance to UIC and so on and so force, I couldn't believe this at all. Later on, I realized that if I will be passive observer I might get into trouble, so I tried to be as attached as possible with that state of my mind. I think that introduction to this new environment finished after me coming back from Winter brake in Ukraine, when I actually started to miss a bit my life in US.
Right now I completely understand my role in all processes that I'm involved in, but still so many times I don't feel personal belonging to this place. I somehow don't feel emotional attachment, I don't know, maybe I need more time, maybe I need more friends or a boyfriend, to feel complete attachment? I don't know, this is still an open question.
What I know for sure is that this Summer I'm staying here and most probably up to New Year. Than I don't know, if I fell extreme homesickness, I will say big fuck off to all stuff here and I will go HOME at least for a month, if not than I will come HOME next Summer.
вторник, 23 февраля 2010 г.
Good mood
Yeh, that's how I need to call this post, because today I do have really good mood because of nice things that happened to me during last few days.
First of all I managed to sign my documents for grant re-newal. Now I can say that at least founding I have for a next year, now I just need to get great grades for that, which can be achieved just with a persistence and dedicated work. Well, that's actually why I'm here :)
As well, today I realized that if something is meant to happen it will happen just at the right time. Last week I was trying sooooo hard to sign and manage all this papers, that you wouldn't even believe and today things just went smoothly and they way they are supposed to be. Finally I signed 2 papers that were of extreme importance by people whom you can rarely meet at their working place even at normal office hours and today I found them at 4.30 pm which is from impossible area :)
And once again I started to believe in destiny....
As well, I just again realized how it is important when someone really believes in you. When someone would like to spend time with you, because you are important (Notice: as a friend :) ) and also how it is great when there is someone who cares! With such support next to you, one can achieve everything, the most important, one can find motivation, which is missing quite often.
Before coming to US I was enough self-confident in my level of knowledge, in my skills and other professional qualities, though I was always opened for feedback and I know that there is always room for improvement, but after some time spending here I just felt that this believe in myself started to evaporate, which made me really scared about future me. And with the help of just one person I realize that I can make it coming back!
Why? Because it is me :))))
See, this is all just a good mood :)
First of all I managed to sign my documents for grant re-newal. Now I can say that at least founding I have for a next year, now I just need to get great grades for that, which can be achieved just with a persistence and dedicated work. Well, that's actually why I'm here :)
As well, today I realized that if something is meant to happen it will happen just at the right time. Last week I was trying sooooo hard to sign and manage all this papers, that you wouldn't even believe and today things just went smoothly and they way they are supposed to be. Finally I signed 2 papers that were of extreme importance by people whom you can rarely meet at their working place even at normal office hours and today I found them at 4.30 pm which is from impossible area :)
And once again I started to believe in destiny....
As well, I just again realized how it is important when someone really believes in you. When someone would like to spend time with you, because you are important (Notice: as a friend :) ) and also how it is great when there is someone who cares! With such support next to you, one can achieve everything, the most important, one can find motivation, which is missing quite often.
Before coming to US I was enough self-confident in my level of knowledge, in my skills and other professional qualities, though I was always opened for feedback and I know that there is always room for improvement, but after some time spending here I just felt that this believe in myself started to evaporate, which made me really scared about future me. And with the help of just one person I realize that I can make it coming back!
Why? Because it is me :))))
See, this is all just a good mood :)
пятница, 5 февраля 2010 г.
My key learning points while living in US
Well, I had a New Year resolution that I will write here more often then I did last half an a year at least.
Before you will read this post I just want to say that this is MY XP, these are MY situations that I learned through. Maybe, if you have been in US, or lived here some time had completely different surrounding. Everything is possible. As well, I can ask you not to make any conclusions in general about this country or about life here, just based on what I'm going to say here, but it as usually UP TO YOU :)
So, my 1st learning point is:
It is always just YOUR personal problem
You need to get all information just by yourself, no one will tell you anything extra then they are supposed to. As fore example it was in my case: my dean made a mistake and instead of 9 credits I was supposed to take 12. Well, maybe now it wouldn't matter that much, but last semester it was like a nightmare, literally :(( I though that I will die when semester will finish. I was studying these 4 months probably more than I ever studied in my Polytechnic University for 4 years. So, key learning was that it is MY problem that I didn't find out at several places about amount of credits that I was supposed to take. Maybe this example is a bit sad, so I will give another one. No one will recommend you which exactly courses to take, which lab to go for rotations or anything like that. It depends just on you, how you will manage all that. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying that it is hard and completely different to Ukrainian realities :(
2nd learning point:
Everything is possible. You just need to try
If you think that professor is not right in some situation or you think that he is judging you unfairly (which is probably the worst thing ever for the professor) you can apply for truthful (which is the most important) check and you will get the most truthful resolution ever. As well, if you want to change something (like date of the exam) you can always ask for that, and if your professor is in the right mood, he can do that. Really, he can :) This statement is applicable in all areas in life.
3rd learning point:
People in science work like shit here
My mentor in this lab come to the work at 6 am, stays till 10 pm. After that he goes to the gym, then he goes home and writes thesis paper in medical major he is simultaneously getting with his PhD in Biotechnology. He sleeps 3-4 hours max and then next day comes :) Almost all people in my new lab work like that. And I'm for real. When I asked him why he is working his ass off like that, he replied that he wants to graduate as soon as possible and continue being a doctor somewhere in the residency. Ah yes, I forgot to mention that this week he is going to Philippines to work as a volunteer there and continue his research about eye illness in that country.
4th learning point:
If you don't have SSN, State ID or Driving license you are screwed.
Literally, you can't put utilities on your name, you can't open bank account, you can't get phone in contract, you can't do anything without that! And you feel so miserable and so depending on all these stupid papers.
5th learning point:
Try not to get any illness, trauma or anything concerned with health.
You will pay like hell. My room-mate was in car accident. Thank's God she is Ok, but her boyfriend had some serious injuries. So, she showed bills that she received from the hospital. Just for calling ambulance to the place of accident they charged her 700$ and for staying 1 hour in Emergency room 17 000$, yes seventeen thousands dollars. I don't know what did they do with her there.According to her words, doctor just examined her body and made few minor prescriptions. That's it. 17 000 $ :)
These are probably main things that I learned up to now. Hope that they will guide me successfully through my staying in this country.
Before you will read this post I just want to say that this is MY XP, these are MY situations that I learned through. Maybe, if you have been in US, or lived here some time had completely different surrounding. Everything is possible. As well, I can ask you not to make any conclusions in general about this country or about life here, just based on what I'm going to say here, but it as usually UP TO YOU :)
So, my 1st learning point is:
It is always just YOUR personal problem
You need to get all information just by yourself, no one will tell you anything extra then they are supposed to. As fore example it was in my case: my dean made a mistake and instead of 9 credits I was supposed to take 12. Well, maybe now it wouldn't matter that much, but last semester it was like a nightmare, literally :(( I though that I will die when semester will finish. I was studying these 4 months probably more than I ever studied in my Polytechnic University for 4 years. So, key learning was that it is MY problem that I didn't find out at several places about amount of credits that I was supposed to take. Maybe this example is a bit sad, so I will give another one. No one will recommend you which exactly courses to take, which lab to go for rotations or anything like that. It depends just on you, how you will manage all that. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying that it is hard and completely different to Ukrainian realities :(
2nd learning point:
Everything is possible. You just need to try
If you think that professor is not right in some situation or you think that he is judging you unfairly (which is probably the worst thing ever for the professor) you can apply for truthful (which is the most important) check and you will get the most truthful resolution ever. As well, if you want to change something (like date of the exam) you can always ask for that, and if your professor is in the right mood, he can do that. Really, he can :) This statement is applicable in all areas in life.
3rd learning point:
People in science work like shit here
My mentor in this lab come to the work at 6 am, stays till 10 pm. After that he goes to the gym, then he goes home and writes thesis paper in medical major he is simultaneously getting with his PhD in Biotechnology. He sleeps 3-4 hours max and then next day comes :) Almost all people in my new lab work like that. And I'm for real. When I asked him why he is working his ass off like that, he replied that he wants to graduate as soon as possible and continue being a doctor somewhere in the residency. Ah yes, I forgot to mention that this week he is going to Philippines to work as a volunteer there and continue his research about eye illness in that country.
4th learning point:
If you don't have SSN, State ID or Driving license you are screwed.
Literally, you can't put utilities on your name, you can't open bank account, you can't get phone in contract, you can't do anything without that! And you feel so miserable and so depending on all these stupid papers.
5th learning point:
Try not to get any illness, trauma or anything concerned with health.
You will pay like hell. My room-mate was in car accident. Thank's God she is Ok, but her boyfriend had some serious injuries. So, she showed bills that she received from the hospital. Just for calling ambulance to the place of accident they charged her 700$ and for staying 1 hour in Emergency room 17 000$, yes seventeen thousands dollars. I don't know what did they do with her there.According to her words, doctor just examined her body and made few minor prescriptions. That's it. 17 000 $ :)
These are probably main things that I learned up to now. Hope that they will guide me successfully through my staying in this country.
суббота, 16 января 2010 г.
My year 2009
Even though it is almost the end of the month I decided to write this post, because 2009 was really special for me. So, let's start.
January:
My New 2009 year I spent in Indian club with one of my craziest friends, my dearest Franka!
So, as we've been the only white girls in that club, we've been super stars!!!! And when next morning (yes, Indians are working on the 1st of January) I came to the office my colleague told me that he has seen me on TV yesterday. Also that January was full of crazy parties in the interns house, parties with Gagz (another crazy friend of mine :))) ), work at the company, few conflicts with mum (eventually she didn't like my staying in India, let's guess why :)) ).
February:
According to my facebook pictures and some parts of my memory I visited lovely (read crappy) city Allahabad. This is probably the oldest city I've ever been. At least it looked like that. I seriously thought that this houses will fell down on me, when I was passing next to them. Place that I'm going to associate with Allahabad is its fort. It will always stay in my heart, my memories and in my mind. First time I've seen such a mysterious temple, that was located underground. It was great!!! Guys, you need to see by your own eyes!
Also, I passed my GRE there, but it is not that much interesting :)) As well, it was the only place when something mysterious happened with me. I visited there one of the Hindu temples, which was really veeeeery big, 3-4 flours. So, when I reached the top I've seen statue of Kali (check google, if you don't know who is that :)) ). So, I decided to take a picture of it and when I tried doing so, smoke starting to go out from my camera. Guys, I know that it sounds like a joke. I don't care. It happened with me and believe in it! I decided that Kali doesn't want me taking her picture, so I switched off my camera and didn't take any more pictures in that temple!
March:
In March Franka and I went to Amritsar. Shit!!!!! That was probably the craziest thing I've ever did in my life! Or better to say the craziest trip I ever had. I'm for real! First of all, Friday night we decided on Saturday to go for this trip (Indian style). I was working on Saturday till 2 pm and Franka went to the club on Friday night. So, as you can see the best combination\planning\preparation for a trip, where just two girls are :) In the bus I left essential for me medicine (blondy :)) ). Than at 11 pm we entered Golden temple. Guys, it is real miracle! I've never seen something similar. It was great!!!
So, after some small excursion around Franka and I decided that we need to find some place where we can stay for a night. And as I was the most prepared among us, I read in Wikipedia travel that we can stay for a night in the temple. we asked some guys that are working there to show us room for foreigners (as they call it: VIP room). Thanks GOD I didn't say that we don't need anything extraordinary. So, this is this room:
After seeing it, Franka said: "Yulia I will pay, but let's go to the hotel! Please!" My answer was: "Franka, we came to India to experience something new! So, enjoy!" And we stayed in that room. That is what I call: move out from your comfort zone :). In the morning we went to see Golden temple from inside and I can say that it was amazing. Once again I just can appreciate how Indians adore there religion. This is something that we, Ukrainians need to learn from them!
April:
In April we had Holi celebration. Nothing that much special, except of the fact that first we were all in different colors and than in mud. Though it was fun :)
And also in April I left home. Left my second home - India. I had great good bye party, where I got drunk and my lovely LCP put me in bad and forced me to sleep. I had great trip to Rajastan and I've seen Taj Mahal. There were lot's of great people around during that month. They were sooo kind with me. They were so helpful. Among them I would like to mention 3 VERY SPECIAL personalities: Natasha - great travel buddy, who made me laugh and think about serious stuff simultaneous, Akkriti, who was so kind to host me in Delhi, where I had to spend 3 days before my flight and special thank you I would like to say for Tonya, who made our staying in Jaipur so great!
May:
I stayed at home. No trips. Another crazy friend of mine Katya Petrenko came to visit me for a week. And we had great time together. Really. The best party was when Anticrisis cafe was closing. Those people that we were with me that evening will understand.
June:
In June Franka came to visit me or official reason was to participate in the project: WWB. That was great time. As usually I had a hostel at my place for all the interns that were present at that time in Lviv. Why do I live soo close to the trainee house? :)) But I'm glad for that :) I always have with whom to hang out :)
Also, Franka and I had a trip to Kiev and Dnipropetrovsk. In Kiev I had orientation from Fulbright to be prepared for trip to US. Well, what can I say. AIESEC is doing that much better for trainees. After Kiev we went to Dnipro. I think that expectations of all people involved in that trip were a bit different. That's why we had some misunderstandings. As a result we worked out everything :) I swam in river Dnipro. I will never do it again, at least in Dnipropetrovsk.
July:
The same. Franka was living at my house. Which was nice. She is a great cook. We had lot's of nice drinking evenings/nights with trainees and Pikh. He was living with interns at that moment of time. Once again Turkish were in my life, but just for small little tiny while :))) I had great time with my friends. Gathering for beer at my place is still a good tradition. I like that.
August:
I went to the Carpathian mountains with my mum. Which was nice. Some time together before my trip to US. As usually I was impressed with beauty of Ukraine as a country and once again I was disappointed with the quality of our service. But it is Ok. We Ukrainians are used to that. Franka left home. It was something like part of your heart was going to Germany. When she was standing in that fucking airport I couldn't speak, because I had like a clod in my throat. I think that she understood how much I love her and how much I will miss her. It was hard to say goodbye to her. Very hard.
And than I left to US.
September:
It was the hardest time ever. I never felt so alone, so left and so useless. I couldn't understand even a word during the lectures. System of education is so different. Expectations of professors are so high and you need to perform well. No one pays attention that you are foreigner, that you might not get what they want from you. Who cares??? You need to show high results. You are in graduate school. That's all. I will not even mention all my stories about loosing luggage, loosing room-mate and my searching for a flat. The most important is that eventually it was all ok.
October:
Lot's of studying. Lot's of!!!!! Work in the lab. From 10 am till 8-9 pm. I wanted to kill myself. The only thing that kept me motivated was my ticket back home. On 13th of December I would say everyone: fuck off, I'm going home! Nice, right??? :)) I know, sounds like I'm very proper and well-behaved girl :)) I don't care :)
I went to see my сousine in New York state. It was nice to see some family members. As well, one of my dreams came true: I saw and even touched an ocean. And also I will never forget my 30 hours trip back to Chicago. Usually this trip takes 16 hours by bus and 2 hours by airplane.
November:
Started with my birthday :) It was great party. For 20 people. I cooked everything by myself. And I was constantly happy during that evening. I got drunk. I had lot's of men attention because of my great dress :)))
This month I also had lot's of studying and lot's of work in lab.
For Thanksgiving day Fern and I went to her former group-mate house for a dinner. It was nice to see how Americans celebrate their holidays. All I can say is that original American food is not that much tasty.
December:
First part of it was totally crazy. I never studied sooooooooooooo hard. I'm serious. As I was saying that every month in US is like a year of studying in Ukraine. Guys, think twice before applying for Graduate school in medical sciences in US. Really. I passed my finals and we had a small party at my place. It changed a lot. I reconsidered my life style and some changes. I know that they will help in future.
On 13th of December I went home and I was the happiest person on the world. I saw my mum and my best friends. Finally!!!!!! I'm home :)))) My real home :)
Finally I found time for: dentist, massage, cosmetologist, hair-dresser.
On 2nd of January mum and I went to Egypt. Trip was very nice. We were snorkeling a lot. See world in Egypt is simply amazing. I suggest everyone to see it by themself.
On 12th of January I went to US.
My New Year resolutions:
1) Concentrate more time/efforts/passion on studying.
2) Find a normal man
3) Change few habits :)
4) Stay positive as much as possible
5) Find more time for my valuable friends.
January:
My New 2009 year I spent in Indian club with one of my craziest friends, my dearest Franka!
So, as we've been the only white girls in that club, we've been super stars!!!! And when next morning (yes, Indians are working on the 1st of January) I came to the office my colleague told me that he has seen me on TV yesterday. Also that January was full of crazy parties in the interns house, parties with Gagz (another crazy friend of mine :))) ), work at the company, few conflicts with mum (eventually she didn't like my staying in India, let's guess why :)) ).
February:
According to my facebook pictures and some parts of my memory I visited lovely (read crappy) city Allahabad. This is probably the oldest city I've ever been. At least it looked like that. I seriously thought that this houses will fell down on me, when I was passing next to them. Place that I'm going to associate with Allahabad is its fort. It will always stay in my heart, my memories and in my mind. First time I've seen such a mysterious temple, that was located underground. It was great!!! Guys, you need to see by your own eyes!
Also, I passed my GRE there, but it is not that much interesting :)) As well, it was the only place when something mysterious happened with me. I visited there one of the Hindu temples, which was really veeeeery big, 3-4 flours. So, when I reached the top I've seen statue of Kali (check google, if you don't know who is that :)) ). So, I decided to take a picture of it and when I tried doing so, smoke starting to go out from my camera. Guys, I know that it sounds like a joke. I don't care. It happened with me and believe in it! I decided that Kali doesn't want me taking her picture, so I switched off my camera and didn't take any more pictures in that temple!
March:
In March Franka and I went to Amritsar. Shit!!!!! That was probably the craziest thing I've ever did in my life! Or better to say the craziest trip I ever had. I'm for real! First of all, Friday night we decided on Saturday to go for this trip (Indian style). I was working on Saturday till 2 pm and Franka went to the club on Friday night. So, as you can see the best combination\planning\preparation for a trip, where just two girls are :) In the bus I left essential for me medicine (blondy :)) ). Than at 11 pm we entered Golden temple. Guys, it is real miracle! I've never seen something similar. It was great!!!
So, after some small excursion around Franka and I decided that we need to find some place where we can stay for a night. And as I was the most prepared among us, I read in Wikipedia travel that we can stay for a night in the temple. we asked some guys that are working there to show us room for foreigners (as they call it: VIP room). Thanks GOD I didn't say that we don't need anything extraordinary. So, this is this room:
After seeing it, Franka said: "Yulia I will pay, but let's go to the hotel! Please!" My answer was: "Franka, we came to India to experience something new! So, enjoy!" And we stayed in that room. That is what I call: move out from your comfort zone :). In the morning we went to see Golden temple from inside and I can say that it was amazing. Once again I just can appreciate how Indians adore there religion. This is something that we, Ukrainians need to learn from them!
April:
In April we had Holi celebration. Nothing that much special, except of the fact that first we were all in different colors and than in mud. Though it was fun :)
And also in April I left home. Left my second home - India. I had great good bye party, where I got drunk and my lovely LCP put me in bad and forced me to sleep. I had great trip to Rajastan and I've seen Taj Mahal. There were lot's of great people around during that month. They were sooo kind with me. They were so helpful. Among them I would like to mention 3 VERY SPECIAL personalities: Natasha - great travel buddy, who made me laugh and think about serious stuff simultaneous, Akkriti, who was so kind to host me in Delhi, where I had to spend 3 days before my flight and special thank you I would like to say for Tonya, who made our staying in Jaipur so great!
May:
I stayed at home. No trips. Another crazy friend of mine Katya Petrenko came to visit me for a week. And we had great time together. Really. The best party was when Anticrisis cafe was closing. Those people that we were with me that evening will understand.
June:
In June Franka came to visit me or official reason was to participate in the project: WWB. That was great time. As usually I had a hostel at my place for all the interns that were present at that time in Lviv. Why do I live soo close to the trainee house? :)) But I'm glad for that :) I always have with whom to hang out :)
Also, Franka and I had a trip to Kiev and Dnipropetrovsk. In Kiev I had orientation from Fulbright to be prepared for trip to US. Well, what can I say. AIESEC is doing that much better for trainees. After Kiev we went to Dnipro. I think that expectations of all people involved in that trip were a bit different. That's why we had some misunderstandings. As a result we worked out everything :) I swam in river Dnipro. I will never do it again, at least in Dnipropetrovsk.
July:
The same. Franka was living at my house. Which was nice. She is a great cook. We had lot's of nice drinking evenings/nights with trainees and Pikh. He was living with interns at that moment of time. Once again Turkish were in my life, but just for small little tiny while :))) I had great time with my friends. Gathering for beer at my place is still a good tradition. I like that.
August:
I went to the Carpathian mountains with my mum. Which was nice. Some time together before my trip to US. As usually I was impressed with beauty of Ukraine as a country and once again I was disappointed with the quality of our service. But it is Ok. We Ukrainians are used to that. Franka left home. It was something like part of your heart was going to Germany. When she was standing in that fucking airport I couldn't speak, because I had like a clod in my throat. I think that she understood how much I love her and how much I will miss her. It was hard to say goodbye to her. Very hard.
And than I left to US.
September:
It was the hardest time ever. I never felt so alone, so left and so useless. I couldn't understand even a word during the lectures. System of education is so different. Expectations of professors are so high and you need to perform well. No one pays attention that you are foreigner, that you might not get what they want from you. Who cares??? You need to show high results. You are in graduate school. That's all. I will not even mention all my stories about loosing luggage, loosing room-mate and my searching for a flat. The most important is that eventually it was all ok.
October:
Lot's of studying. Lot's of!!!!! Work in the lab. From 10 am till 8-9 pm. I wanted to kill myself. The only thing that kept me motivated was my ticket back home. On 13th of December I would say everyone: fuck off, I'm going home! Nice, right??? :)) I know, sounds like I'm very proper and well-behaved girl :)) I don't care :)
I went to see my сousine in New York state. It was nice to see some family members. As well, one of my dreams came true: I saw and even touched an ocean. And also I will never forget my 30 hours trip back to Chicago. Usually this trip takes 16 hours by bus and 2 hours by airplane.
November:
Started with my birthday :) It was great party. For 20 people. I cooked everything by myself. And I was constantly happy during that evening. I got drunk. I had lot's of men attention because of my great dress :)))
This month I also had lot's of studying and lot's of work in lab.
For Thanksgiving day Fern and I went to her former group-mate house for a dinner. It was nice to see how Americans celebrate their holidays. All I can say is that original American food is not that much tasty.
December:
First part of it was totally crazy. I never studied sooooooooooooo hard. I'm serious. As I was saying that every month in US is like a year of studying in Ukraine. Guys, think twice before applying for Graduate school in medical sciences in US. Really. I passed my finals and we had a small party at my place. It changed a lot. I reconsidered my life style and some changes. I know that they will help in future.
On 13th of December I went home and I was the happiest person on the world. I saw my mum and my best friends. Finally!!!!!! I'm home :)))) My real home :)
Finally I found time for: dentist, massage, cosmetologist, hair-dresser.
On 2nd of January mum and I went to Egypt. Trip was very nice. We were snorkeling a lot. See world in Egypt is simply amazing. I suggest everyone to see it by themself.
On 12th of January I went to US.
My New Year resolutions:
1) Concentrate more time/efforts/passion on studying.
2) Find a normal man
3) Change few habits :)
4) Stay positive as much as possible
5) Find more time for my valuable friends.
четверг, 10 декабря 2009 г.
Feeling of being a shit
I don't know what is going on. I constantly feel that I'm SHIT. Complete and full. I don't see any progree in marks, attitude, desires achievments.
I know that everyone are telling that I already did a great job that I'm only 21 and I already study with PhD students and who knows, maybe soon I will be among them. They say that I'm so young and I already manage my life. Without support of family, relatives and other possible supporters (brothers, sisters, husbands). I know that they are saying that I'm so young and I already received Fulbright scholarship to come here, to US. I know all of that. But it still doesn't make me feel better.
Professor, with whome I'm working now is thinking that I'm probably dumb-dumb. He is not talking with me about my projects, not discussing the follow up even when I directly ask about this. He is troubleshooting my own project with other guy. It hurts even more, because I was standing next to him, when he was doing this. Yes, I know it sounds childishly, but my pride is hurt. I'm not so stupid. I can give smart answers....
Today I came to the exam and I knew almost all questions. I was surprised with this. My personal estimation is already so low, that I don't know how it can be even lower. And I know what you will say: If you do not estimate yourself, no one else will do it for you. I know. But this feeling is already there.
Maybe I'm just tired. This exams are killing me. Maybe, I will go back home, rest for a month and everything will be better? I will believe in myself again?? I do hope for that. Because this shitty feeling is killing me.
And this absence. Absence of essential people. People that work like heaters for your soul. Someone whome you can call and you don't need to say anything he/she will understand you without words and will just tell you to come to his/her place for a cup of tea/coffee/shot of vodka/bottle of beer. I miss those people, that were like angels...
Today I went from exam and I wanted to shout. My brain was in coma and there was no one to understand my condition. So, I just went home to sleep. I'm not saying that I don't have "friends" here. They are. But they are more like people whome I know and not friends...
I need to release stress. As Fern says, there are just two ways to release stress: to have sex, or to go to the gym. I have third solutions: to get drunk.
This Friday I'm drinking...
I know that everyone are telling that I already did a great job that I'm only 21 and I already study with PhD students and who knows, maybe soon I will be among them. They say that I'm so young and I already manage my life. Without support of family, relatives and other possible supporters (brothers, sisters, husbands). I know that they are saying that I'm so young and I already received Fulbright scholarship to come here, to US. I know all of that. But it still doesn't make me feel better.
Professor, with whome I'm working now is thinking that I'm probably dumb-dumb. He is not talking with me about my projects, not discussing the follow up even when I directly ask about this. He is troubleshooting my own project with other guy. It hurts even more, because I was standing next to him, when he was doing this. Yes, I know it sounds childishly, but my pride is hurt. I'm not so stupid. I can give smart answers....
Today I came to the exam and I knew almost all questions. I was surprised with this. My personal estimation is already so low, that I don't know how it can be even lower. And I know what you will say: If you do not estimate yourself, no one else will do it for you. I know. But this feeling is already there.
Maybe I'm just tired. This exams are killing me. Maybe, I will go back home, rest for a month and everything will be better? I will believe in myself again?? I do hope for that. Because this shitty feeling is killing me.
And this absence. Absence of essential people. People that work like heaters for your soul. Someone whome you can call and you don't need to say anything he/she will understand you without words and will just tell you to come to his/her place for a cup of tea/coffee/shot of vodka/bottle of beer. I miss those people, that were like angels...
Today I went from exam and I wanted to shout. My brain was in coma and there was no one to understand my condition. So, I just went home to sleep. I'm not saying that I don't have "friends" here. They are. But they are more like people whome I know and not friends...
I need to release stress. As Fern says, there are just two ways to release stress: to have sex, or to go to the gym. I have third solutions: to get drunk.
This Friday I'm drinking...
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