I just want to run away...

Больше всего мне сейчас хочеться плакать. Но кажеться слез больше не осталось. А может и остались, но учитывая то колличество, что уже было пролито, становиться просто стыдно проливать еще хотя бы одну. А еще я безумно хочу убежать. Неважно куда бежать, главное бежать отсюда. Чтобы больше не быть окружженной этими людьми, чтобы не просыпаться каждый день в 6.30 от судорожной мысли, что я снова опаздываю, при чем на работу на которой нет установленого рабочего графика или времени прихода. Просто есть вот такое невидимое вездесущее око, котрое тебя постоянно пасет. Хочу убежать от этих надоедливых взглядов, от этих однообразных тем, от этого молчаливого пресса и невозможности делать свою работу в радостном настроении и с креативом. Хочу просто зарыться под одеяло и провести там дни если не недели. Хочу снова иметь ощущение легкости когда прихожу домой, а не ощущение удушья от маленькой квартиры и замкнутого социального круга. Я много чего хочу, но более всего я хочу просто сюда не возвращаться и не думать о том куда мне идти дальше. Хочу снова просыпаться рядом, но при этом не чувствовать утраченного времени или утраченного чего-то особенного, а снова быть наполненой той детской восторженностью и ощущением того, что он мой, что он любимый и что сейчас нам не нужно думать о чем-то важном, глубоком и стратегическом, а можно просто наслаждаться ЭТИМ конкретным моментом.И порой этого хочеться просто до боли, а порой хочеться всу отпустить и больше никогда не возвращаться к этой мысли, а еще лучше не просто отпустить, а разбить все вдребезги или спалить дотла, так чтобы никогда больше не иметь возможности вернуться туда, потому что ничего нельзя вернуть, особенного утраченого счастья, нужно просто искать чего-то нового, но для этого нужно сначала разобраться со своим прошлым. И тогда я снова возвращаюсь к вопросу, что делать дальше и снова иду по кругу. "Хочу вытянуть из глупой башки тротил и разобраться что же я за зверь"

Movies

Movies... In certain way they are reflections of what we are urging to see. Seriously, how many times when you just wanted to relax you clicked on stupid movie that will allow you to switch off your brain and how many times did it actually happen vice versa? What I realized about myself is that I can not watch stupid movies. I simply can not. Because afterwards I fell disgust to myself. In a way: How could I waist my time for this shit??? Maybe in such way I don't let my brain to cool down, but I rather prefer to watch cars moving in a highway then actually watching movie without a sense. The last movie that enormously impressed me is "Высоцкий: Спасибо, что живой" (Vysozkiy: Thank you, for being alive). I am a big fan of Vysozkiy. He is one of the poets that touches my heart. I can listen to his songs and read his poems without stopping. This movie is actually showing us Vysozkiy not from the best view, as a drug addict, as a cheating husband, but enormously talented. Hidden line that comes in every second scene is love of simple people towards him. They could do anything that Volodya would ask. It is quite astonishing, considering that he was a cheating husband and a drug addict, not counting alcoholism... And you know, it is actually applicable even to our common life. People who are enormously talented in their field are forgiven for minor discrepancies that they do. I totally recommend everyone watching this movie...

My year 2011

It already became a very good habit - to summarize the year that passed. So, I would like to continue it, by summarizing my year 2011. First of all, I would like to start with resolutions that I maid last year. Well, actually I'm very proud of myself :) I fulfilled all of them! Nice, ha? I realized that we don't follow them, because we simply forget what we wrote a year ago! Our life is sooo busy and dynamic that sometimes we simply don't have time to remind ourselves what our initial goals were. So, revising my resolutions around March-April actually helped me in following them. So, now I would like to start with summarizing month by month :) Let's begin! January: While writing these lines I realized that I will not give a lot of attention to the event that hapenned with me on 31st of December, just because it hapenned in 2010 and I'm talking about 2011 here and because last year I wrote summary of the year few days before its end, which helped me to avoid writing about it, let's just act like it never hapenned at all. I want it be whipped from my memories. I will talk just about 2011! So, my few first days of January were spend at home with a big black eye, but I'm a fighter, so I slowly started recovering and after some time I was already able to come out on the streets without horrifying fear, though some residuals are still left and I don't know when they will go away :( I was lucky enough to have my mother visiting me, so first of all she helped me a lot in my recovery and also we thrown a great Christmas party where everyone really enjoyed enormous amount of food that we maid :)

Since I was in no condition to travel, my mum and I spend time in Chicago, mostly shopping :) It was really great to have her with me for such a long time! February: Mostly spend in lab. I was trying to recover from hard times that I had in previous semester and I think that most of the time I was successful :) But working for 12H straight, never benefited anyone, that's why during last days of February I went to Minneapolis to visit a friend of mine - Nastya, just to change my surroundings. Oh my, it was such a wonderful trip! Nastya is also a Fulbright scholar. She studied Educational Policies in University of Minnesota. She is very smart, pro-active and very modest personality. I enjoyed our time together so much! Because of Nastya I met with 2 friends of her's - Gera and Illya. These two are soooo funny that I was laughing every minute of our conversations.

March: In March I decided that I can not stay in US anymore and I have to un-wind from all these challenges that I have, so I bought tickets to go home. Of course I had one more reason to do so! My best friend - Nastya was getting married and I was supposed to be a maid of honor! Who can miss such an event??? So, I bought my tickets and started anxiously waiting for 3rd of May to come :) Except of waiting I had a lot of lab work, so time flew by! April: For April I can almost say the same, just that climate in the lab started to get better, which made me much happier from inside and I could perform my work better. Well, smart people say that we shouldn't be effected by negative surroundings. Probably I'm just not that advanced in self-motivation, so I do get effected. Also it is hard for me to be in conflict with someone. I have to resolve it, otherwise it will be eating me from inside... May: And so it came! I was the happiest person ever on that plane :) Except for the fact that I had absolutely no documents to return to US :) Problem was in my grant renewal. Fulbright had some time issues and my coordinator didn't send my paper work on time. So, despite the fact that I might not be able to return to US, I just left. I couldn't stay any longer. Pressure that I was living in for past 1.5 years was just unbearable. And here I was :) Back home :) First 2-3 days in Lviv were just swapped with amount of work for Nastya's wedding, but these were pleasant troubles. OMG!!!! It was such a beautiful wedding! Simply enjoyed every moment of it, though I still think that Nastya was strongly un-satisfied with my performance :) Well, what can I do :) That's just me an jet lag :) It was super awesome to see all good friends: Rita, Lara, Slavik, Olesya and so many more! After the wedding, Rita, Lara, Slavik and I went to Kruyivka to continue our celebration :) I came home at 6 am.. And woke up around lunch time with hang over :) Wedding was a success :)

Time was flying like crazy. Though I had few more responsibilities to fulfill :) I made a promise to visit Katya in Odessa and it is very pleasant promise to deliver :) So, I went to Odessa. OMG! Those were some crazy 4 days with never finishing drinking, hang-overs, sea, talks with my beloved Katya, priceless time that spend together, nights on the sea, shisha on the sea-shore, drinking in the night on the harbor. OH MY GOD!!!!! These are the only words that I have in mind. As usually I had to change my tickets to extend my trip for one more day :) On the last day we went to Shevchenko park and continued our good-byes, after that Katya, Bayron and Belka went to say good byes to the train station and somehow I even don't know how those two (Katya and Belka) jumped into train to say good bye to me till the next station, and after next station good byes continued to Lviv. It is just indescribable. Well, the most important that we had one more day together. That's what matters. In the evening I send those two to train station and we continued talking on the phone with Katya till the end of my staying in Ukraine.

Time back home was priceless because I could spend time with my grandparents. Both of them are very sick and no one knows whether I will have a chance to see them during my next visits. Also I realized that my every trip to Ukraine is filled with time spend with one particular person. Somehow its just hapenned that I spend a lot of time with Olesya Stasiv, I'm not saying that I didn't want it to happen, its actually opposite, I desperately wanted it to happen, maybe that's why :) But I feel that my every visit is like dominated by one person at a time. And it is super cool, that I have such friends, that no matter what still find time for me :) June: On June 2nd I came to US full of new hopes, desire to achieve more and finally finish what I started 2 years ago :) So, I dived into lab work with new motivation for achievement. It was wonderful! I'm telling you! I couldn't remember times when I was so focused and so motivated! I felt like bullet-proof tank. I could go to my goal no matter what. If my adviser didn't like ideas that I brought, I would just say: "Well, ok :), I will continue working, in order to improve what ever I achieved so far" It was an awesome feeling. I created my own project and dived into realization of it. One more event happened after my coming back from home. At the beginning it seemed that it is a negative, but then it actually turned out to be something super awesome :) Hazem and I broke up. But after few days we realized that we can not stay apart. We have to be together, but certain things have to be changed and since that time we really improved our relationship. Its much better compare to what it used to be before. And I'm happy for both of us :) July: I can not remember anything particular about July. I think I was just working in the lab and going out for lunches, dinners and movies :) August: In August we celebrated Divya's birthday. It was very nice. We went to the wonderful Mexican restaurant, with amazing food and great drinks. Good time! After that we obviously had to continue it in Irish pub with a lot of beer and even more cool talks :) Also at the end of August I decided that I miss something crazy in my life, so I booked tickets to go to Boston to visit another friend of mine, Tanya, she is also a Fulbright scholar and it has been a while since we spend some time together. So, I decided to use her invitation and visit Boston in September. September: For Labor day I went to Boston. OMG, I felt in love with this city almost instantly.I can not say that I had a moment of deja vu, as if I lived there before, but I absolutely loved a place! My friend came to pick me up in the airport around midnight, so we reached home around 1 am and it was totally safe to walk on the streets. Maybe its just that part of the city, maybe not, I don't know, but I was shocked :) I spend 3 full days there and wish I could have more :) I saw Harvard and MIT :), bought a T-shirt, went for whale watching in the open ocean, something that I was not able to do in Monterey, eat clam chowder soup and had dinner in Small Italy! OMG, it was simply amazing!

After such a wonderful trip I had enormous amount of motivation to work in the lab and it was great. You know travelling is a great source of inspiration, sometimes simply by changing your surroundings, some times due to the lessons that we learn trough the journey, but most of the time because of the people that we meet on our way. During visit to Boston Tanya asked me soooo many questions, that I couldn't even imagine that someone can even think so much about stuff. She made me look on so many things from a new perspective! Thank you so much, my dear, for this! October: Oh my dear October, it was filled with work in the lab, hanging out with friends and the most remembered event probably will be Halloween :) This year, it was my first time to go out for bar hopping on the Halloween night. It was soooo cool! A lot of fun. Every one is super drunk and every one is having insane fun. We went through several bars, danced everywhere, took mad pictures and happily went home :)

November: In November the most important holiday is of course my birthday :))) This year I celebrated it in Jamaican restaurant. Well, in general it was fine, but I wouldn't go there again. The most important that I had nice people around me and we ended up in a cool bar, where some strange chick was trying to approach me with weird business ideas :) God save America :) Business is everywhere :)

After that I was supposed to give my literature seminar, but things always change in this life :) So, it was shifted to December :) Instead of that we went to SFRBM meeting in Atlanta. This was my first time attending scientific conference and it was my first time presenting poster, and I can freely tell you, that it was awesome!!! Loved it! Also it was my first time visiting south of USA, I can say that it is actually different from Midwest. We had amazing time in Atlanta and actually had some time to go sightseeing:)

December: This December I will remember for my literature seminar, which went well. I had to re-write it I think 3 times, but the most important is the end result, right? So, it went well. I got stuck in my work, but in January, was able to find an answer :) My mum came to visit me, so we could spend New Year and Christmas together. I had some important meetings with my adviser that determined my next steps in MS program and everything started to be better :) In general, I can say that this year is much better than a previous one, but it is still not perfect, I feel that it is like climbing the mountain. Now I can at least see the peak, before that I thought that I'm actually slowly moving down. I feel that my black stripe is over and I'm moving towards the brighter side. And it is a wonderful feeling! And I will continue working on it in new 2012 year :) Some of the books that touched me in 2011 were: "Kite runner" by Khalid Houssein, "Thousand splendid suns" by the same author, "Catcher in the rye" by Selindger, "Ishmael" by Daniel Quinn. Movies that had an effect: "Высоцкий: спасибо, что живой", Contagion. And now My New Year resolutions: 1) I want to improve my writing skills, that's why I will continue writing this blog, but now more actively. I'm setting a goal of at least 2 posts per month, which is a post in 2 weeks. Not bad, quite manageable :) 2) I will continue taking care of my health, that's why I want to find type of sport or physical activity that I would really like doing, something like yoga, kick-boxing or something else and I will stick to it, at least 2 times a week. 3) I will continue swimming on weekends, it makes me happy :) 4) I want to set a goal in reading books. Somewhere I read that if you will read 1 book per week that will end up to 54 books per year, so let's not get fanatical about it, I will set a goal of 30 book per year 5) I will take care of body weight and I will find an optimal condition :) 6) I want to have a trip to South-East Asia for 3 weeks. I need to do everything possible in order to accomplish it! 7) And the most important I need to figure out what to do in life :) Either I want to continue scientific career or I want to try myself in pharmaceutical business. Now it is a prime time to make a decision! That's all! Hope you enjoyed reading :)

Flexibility

I realized that I'm not flexible in my work. Currently I'm mentoring one Indian guy and frankly it is a hard task. I feel that there is some kind of tension or confrontation between two of us. I mean, it is not like we are fighting with each other, but I would rather call it confrontation of minds. He doesn't want to except my leadership, I don't want to except his rules of the game. In another situation I would just let it go. Currently my position about such issues is "if you don't want to learn from me, fine, go find someone else who can teach, because I will not do it any more".
But he made me thinking today. At the end of the day our working target was achieved, in different way that I wanted it to be done though. My approach was based more on his learning and showing him best case practice, his approach was based on being done with it. And I will agree, it made me angry. It made me angry, because things were done not my way. But Actually why should I care? As long as it is done, project is going on, right? So, maybe my actual position is not completely "I don't care" one? Maybe I actually do care that he will learn something? Or it is more about my egoism? That things were not done in the way how I wanted them to happen? Probably it is some kind of combination.



I know that all super organization and peculiarity about work is because I had a lot of shit happening to me at the beginning of my studies here. I felt that I was to flexible or maybe too undisciplined? Well, now I have plenty of self discipline and a lot or self responsibility. A lot of people actually freak out of me, for them it is too perfect. For me it is a way how to keep control over my life. I'm not trying to play God, I'm just trying to organize things that I can control.

Well, major thought I had today is that I'm not enough flexible in my work and probably in life too. And also I realized that if I don't know answer to the question it bothers me... I don't like unanswered questions...

Everything is changing too fast. Things change, people change, environment change. Hey world! Can you slow down just a little bit. I do want some acting in my life, but I don't want certain things to change. I want my friends to stay the way they were when I left, I want relationship to have the same meaning as they used to have. I still want to have my people, being my people. I don't want this things to change. I want the CORE. I want that something that was uniting us to be the same. I want to be back. Why we are so far apart now? Why there is whole ocean between us?

Reality is too shocking to be excepted...

Recently I caught myself on a thought that I was never loved so much by someone, excluding my mum of course. I was never so tenderly loved be a man.

He is always there. At any hour of a day or night. He is always there by my side. He is always supportive, motivating, hugging, funny and just the way you need him.

He is there when I laugh and he is there when I cry. He is there to support me when I'm super frustrated and he is there when I'm jumping from joy. He always knows what I need to hear this or that second. He is just the way how THE ONE should be.

I will not lie, not always it was like this. At the beginning it was muuuuuch worse than what it is right now. It took a lot of time and efforts from both sides to get where we are right now, and I'm extremely happy about the relationship that I have.

I constantly feel happy......

Social classes

No, I'm not trying to be snobbish, no, I'm not trying to say that I'm better, no, I'm not trying to say that I want to isolate from others. I just want to say that all of us are belonging to exact and specific social classes.

And in my opinion it is normal. I think it is perfectly ok, if people are trying to mingle with people that are bringing them social satisfaction, with people that are contributing to each others personal growth. I sincerely think that it is perfectly fine.

Why I'm so furious about it? Just right now I had a talk with my mum where she described her weekend. She spend it with some old friends of our family. Some time ago we used to be very close to each other, we used to share a lot. Same family problems, almost same income, though my parents used to work in Ukraine and those guys worked in Poland and Italy, but at the end of the day it doesn't matter where you get your money from. So in those days we were pretty close as I said. But it seems that people change with time, it seems that environment is really a big contributor. Now jealousy and misunderstanding are major factors to this relationship.

During 15 years that we know each other my mum got divorced, got new job and really successed in it, I graduated from college, got excepted in graduate program in US and most of my time I spend outside Ukraine. And those guys gave a birth to a child, moved to Poland for permanent residence and managed to break up twice. Now they are again quarreling and it seems that it will all end up with divorce. My mum really tried to be supportive when it was needed, but every time it ends up her being blamed for giving wrong advises. Whatever. It is not a point right now. My point is that during these years my mum and I were growing more, we grew professionally and personally and it was our conscious choice, we wanted to do it and our friends at the same time stayed at the same level where they were. They didn't do anything to be better. At least I didn't see it happening. When they had an opportunity to go and continue their education they skipped, when they had an opportunity to get a better job than cleaning houses they skipped again and at the end of the day they still have guts to make fun of my mum and tell her that both of us are blessed and we have to much luxury in our lives???? They have guts constantly to judge our income and our behavior??? Who are you??? What did you achieve in life in order to behave like that??? I worked my ass off to be where I am right now, my mum did even more. She had a lot of shitty things in her life and no matter what she was strong, she was persistent and she did her best at every situation and at every moment of her life. And she truly deserves to be where she is right now, so every one who has other opinion should shut their fucking mouth up and be silent in the corner, because they have absolutely no right to say so. Because we decided to grow and they decided to stay at the same level of development and that's our major difference.

That's why I think it is more peaceful for me and my mum to maintain relationship with people who are at the same social level as we are in order to have relaxing weekend, in order to have less stress in our lives, in order to grow eve more.

Fear

It seems that I have to admit it. Yes, I'm haunted by fear. I feel that it is following me on every street of this windy city. And this fear has a face. It is a young black guy, 18-20 years old, wearing loose jeans and white hoody. This is the only description that I have in my memory abut event that hapenned with me in the night of 31st December when I was mugged. When I suffered humiliation of being punched in the face several times, humiliation of being almost strangled to death. And lost i-pod is the least thing that I'm worried about.
I literally can not walk home on that road. And it doesn't matter what time it is. I fell like he will appear from the nearest corner and attack me again. But this time he will do smth worse to me. And I'm again scared.
Every day I wait for a bus to come and drop me home. I feel that I already progressed. At least I'm not scared to walk 2 minutes from the bus stop to my house. I really hope that taking small step at a time I will be able to live normal life again. But I'm not sure. Till now...
Its just really hard and I feel that I need to write about it...

Сегодня

Сегодня был хороший день. Я сходила в церковь. Правда опоздала на службу Божую, но ничего, главное что я пришла, главное, что я не искала причин почему не встать сегодня утром вовремя, а просто собралась и поехала в церковь. Как только я вошла в храм я сразу поняла, что пришла в правильное место. Это знаете такое ощущение, когда ты вынириваешь из воды при плавании и делаешь этот один глоток воздуха и ты понимаешь, что это именно то, что тебе нужно было в этот момент, потому что легкие уже сжимал спазм. Так вот именно такое ощущение было у меня сегодня утром. Я вошла в церковь и сделала этот глоток воздуха...
В Украине я православная, тут я просто христианка. Для меня перестало иметь значение к какой конфесии относиться эта церковь. Совершенно. Я не знаю или это жизнь в США или это просто жизнь заграницей, но некоторые вещи (например патриархат той или иной церкви) перестает иметь значение. Немного отличаеться сам обряд в этой церкви, но в целом все как и всегда. Вот только здесь в конце службы поют "Боже нам Украину храни". Немного попахивает царской Россией, но что поделаешь, наверно это отпечаток жизни в США.
Так вот после того как служба закончилась я почувствовала такую легкость внутри, которую не ощущала уже давно. Я давно говорила Хасему, что мне не хватает чего-то высокого в жизни, чего-то такого чистого и правильного. Такого, на которое ты смотришь и понимаешь, что вот ОНО должно быть именно так, потому что так это правильно. Мне кажеться сегодня я его нашла. И от этого стало легко. Легко на душе. А это главное для меня. Потому что как сделать так чтобы было легко в теле я уже знаю, 2 раза в неделю бассейн и 2 раза в неделю полтора часа занятия в спортзале. И я чувствую эту легкость в своем теле. Болят мышци, трудно встать с постели утром, но есть какая-то странная легкость. А вот легкости в душе уже давно не было...

В который раз наверно напишу, что я слишком много думаю. Ну и пускай. Я много думаю о том, что было. Порой сильно зацыкливаюсь. Тогда мне на выручку приходит Катя и говорит: "Михед, ты слишком негативно думаешь, возвращайся к нам!" И я возвращаюсь. Я думаю о чем-то позитивном, о том, что будет после того как я закончу учебу тут. Понимаете, если взглянуть в целом на мою жизнь в США, то не все так плохо. Как говорит Ислам: "Чего грустить, у тебя есть крыша над головой и тебя есть что поесть" Да, у меня это все есть, но я знаю, что это не главное, у меня всегда были эти два элемента. Да, у многих людей в этом мире нет и этого, но я ничего не могу с этим поделать. Мы все приходим в этот мир с разными базовыми условиями. Так вот если я подумаю об определенных этапах моей жизни я могу описать их одним или несколькими словами. В Украине их было много. Была учеба в школе, это было слово соревнование, была учеба в университете и тут наверно есть несколько слов: беготня и неприятные люди. Это также был первый достаточно серйозный жизненный опыт. Опыт работы в коллективе, опыт дружбы с людьми из совершенно другого мира и да, это было трудно, потому что пожалуй первый раз мне пришлось пережить бойкот, непринимание в коллектив. Но ничего, как-то справилась. А потом был очень большой и объмный этап моей жизни, этап AIESEC. В АЙСЕКе было много разных событий. Было много радости и было достаточно разочарований, но вот знаете, что самое главное, у меня не было разочарования в людях. Ни разу за все 4.5 года работы. НИ ОДНОГО РАЗА! И я думаю, что это говорит о многом.
Вчера я пыталась объяснить Хасему почему мы работаем в АЙСЕКе. Почему мы тратим время, деньги, нашу энергию на организацию, в которой нам "даже не платят денег" (цитата), которая держиться на волонтерстве. И вы знаете, это первый раз за 2 года когда я говорила с такими чувтсвами и эмоциями про что-то. Потому что там было мое сердце и мое время в АЙСЕКе можно описать одним предложением: Я БЫЛА СЧАСТЛИВА! Несмотря ни на что. Я была счастлива. А здесь нет. И мне это не нравиться. И я хочу это изменить.

My year 2010

Frankly speaking I was trying to write this post as late as possible in case something else will happen with me this year, so that I have to write it down for the future reminding :( As of now I hope that all possible shit already happened to me and I can carry on with plain page in 2011. So, let's start evaluation of my 2010, for it to be remembered!

January:
Mum and I went to Egypt and head great time there. I saw Ahmed and spend some time with him, though as usually not enough. I sincerely wish that this year it will be possible to meet somewhere in this hectic world. In the middle of January I left back to US to continue my studies and as usually craziness begin. That semester I was really trying hard to be optimistic and look on the brighter sides of life. I actually did! I can be proud of myself.

February:
I can not remember anything specific, except usual studying and working in the lab. Though it was my first time such an asshole as a mentor. Seriously, I was defenetly impressed with cultural insensitivity, total arrogance and stubbornness of this person, though at the end of my rotation in that lab I realized that if my mentor wouldn't be such a jerk, I would get that much work done, cause I decided that I need to show him that I can work and I can get results and that's basically what I did :)

March:
I finished first lab rotation and after giving presentation other lab members were telling me that it was the best presentation from a rotation student that they ever seen and some of them are getting double degree, which means a lot! And I just continued studying like crazy.

April:
I shifted to another lab and it was totally different environment. Just girls in that lab, that's something! Believe me! But in general I liked the work. First time tried working with animals. Really exciting! And then I had to choose a lab where I would like to continue my research. And I maid my decision, I stayed with the lab where I came first. I decided to do something in the middle between chemistry and biology. Let's see how it all will work out! :)

May:
Nothing that much special. As usually working in the lab, but at least at that time no more studies.Of course there were some going out with friends for dinners, movies and other stuff like that, but nothing that much spectacular. Also in May I got my grades and I realized that I'm still staying on the probation. How should I better describe my state of mind at that moment: basically it was coma. When you can not breath, you can not think of anything else, but the question: How come??? How come this shit is happening to me? Why again? I thought that I did all that I can, no? Again? As usually what happened in the reality, another mistake of that time DGS and once again I was fucked up! Well, seems I'm getting used to it. Oh yes, and I broke left arm. Now I can proudly say that every moving part of my body was broken. Both legs and both arms.

June:
Mum came to visit me, because her girl had expired visa and couldn't travel outside US. It was good time. We went to California and my dream to see San-Francisco, LA and Pacific ocean came true! Guys it is an amazing beauty! Seriously I would defiantly recommend to visit these places! At least once in your life! The only thing next time I should choose people with whom to travel better to avoid some misunderstandings along the way. Then mum left and continued working in the lab all the time, except this time I started to bond with some people in my department: Anand and Hazem. Those were great times!

July:
Bonding with some people started to be stronger, with some people less intense. Maryana came and we were rocking the house, while she was staying at my place. That was super-awesome! Great celebration of Hazem's birthday in amazing Arabic restaurant. You know sometimes I think that I have something to do with guys who were born in July :)

August:
Maryana was still staying with me, we were still having crazy fun with a lot of laughing, wine and guys talks. So, if you think that only guys can discuss how girls are looking you are totally wrong, we enjoy such talks too, but about an opposite sex :) Also in August new semester started and frankly saying hell came to me again, because I had to re-take several courses that I didn't manage to do last Fall. And yes, bonding with one person started to be stronger than before :)

September:
Get through courses, calling to Belarus to congratulate grandparents. Getting out with friends here, there and of course working in the lab.

October:
Again not much. Working in the lab, studying. Sometimes going out for movies. See guys, my life is boring here and you don't want to believe! :) Well, but all this misery is called science. :)

November:
Started with sinus infection when half of my face was swollen and I couldn't normally celebrate my birthday. Though on 2nd of November I received greetings all around the world and yes Hazem, Raghu and Emma made my day really great! Thank you guys for that! I didn't have planned party because of my face and then it took me another week to recover. I think except my birthday there was nothing interesting in that month. Exams, studying, lab. That's all.

December:
And here comes all ever possible fun, read shit, that could ever happen to me. When my exams were finally over and I thought that I can concentrate more on my research my professor told me that he is not satisfied with my work, there were other complications following this conversation. I received final grades for my exams and they were not good again. It took me one week of fights, struggling, involving all ever possible forces, even my mum to solve this issue. I was almost expelled from University and then in 30 min situation drastically changed. I got one more chance to improve. I got one more opportunity to show that I can actually perform, that I can get results and I ca work really hard. But you can not even imagine how hard it was for me. I even checked tickets to go back home! That's how bad it was! It was a month of betrayal, it was a month when I lost all believe in myself, when I thought that nothing can be worse than what I was going through. Well, I'm sure that people who survived genocide in Rwanda or in Darfur will tell me opposite, but every time when we are passing through hard situation in life we tend to think that the worst shit ever happens just with us. I don't want to think like that, I just know that it was freakishly hard. That's all.

About my last year resolutions you will be really surprised, but I actually achieved all of them. So, I can be proud of myself.

About this year resolutions:
1) When you coming to work first of all you have to actually work, second of all you have to show everyone that you are working, so that no extra questions will appear.
2) Enjoy every moment of happiness that you have, even if it is little tiny, just enjoy it and try to keep in your heart as long as possible. Who knows, there might be such situation just in the next second when someone or something will try to wipe it out. Hold to it!
3) Keep on dreaming, you are so good in it! And keep on transforming your dreams into reality! You especially talented in it!

I sincerely wish that year 2011 will be better than 2010!

That's all folks :)

Dear John

Yesterday I saw this great movie and I think for the last half an hour I just couldn't stop crying. For those that haven't seen just a quick summary. Whole movie is based on the love story between a girl and a guy. They knew each other for 2 weeks and within this time they fell in love and already couldn't imagine life separately. But there is one complication. He is US army soldier and he has to return back to his duty. His father has a slight form of autism, which was discovered by this girl. His mother is not in a picture, and we don't know what happened with her. She is coming from rich family. She is just a perfect girl, she doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, and she is doing charity. So, after 2 weeks he left. All the time he is being trans-located around different countries somewhere in Africa, Europe and others. And all this time they send each other letter. Letters, that are describing all their life, their dreams, their beliefs and of course all these letters all full of love to each, that they are cherishing all the time. Both of them are still living in memories of those 2 weeks. After 1 year of serving duty to his country terroristic act in New York happened and all colleagues of John decide to extend their service to continue their duty for the country. Chief officer is giving them 36 hours to think about their decision and if they decided to follow it they should report on Monday. That's how John is going back home to Savanaha. Of course he meets his dad their. He is as usually more interested in his coins collection than in anything else and it is hard to communicate with him. John and Savanaha go to her parents party and there he is telling her that he has to stay 2 more years in army. Because he has duty and he has responsibilities towards his colleagues. He just can not leave them. For her it is really hard to accept it, but there is nothing what can be done. Another figure in the movie is Savanah's neighbor. His son also has autism and his mother left him.
So, John left. And for another year they exchange letters with Savanaha. And at some point of time letters stop coming. For 2 months. And then he receives a letter from her, where she wrote that she got engaged and in some time she is going to get married. It was a big shock for John and the only treatment that he knows is to extend his staying in army. That's the thing he knows the best in his life. And he stayed. He was again dislocated all around the world and during one of the operations he got shot. Thank's God he didn't die, but it took him 3 months to recover. No matter what he decided to continue. After 5 years he received a message from home that his father is in the hospital. He had a stroke. John is rushing back home where he finds his father dying. He spend last moments of dad's life next to him. And no matter how their relationship were during past few years you can see how much John loves his dad.
And he went to visit Savanaha. She is already married. Savanaha got married to her neighbor. The one that had son with autism. He has late stage of cancer and now he is in the hospital.
Later, when John and Savanaha had a talk, why it all happened like that, she told him: I had to help Tim, he had cancer, it was my duty".

And I think it was a key thing about this movie. Both of them had their duties in life. John had duty to his country and to his colleagues. Savanaha had a duty to help Tim and his son.And no matter what they were following it. No matter how strong was desire to stay with each other. Forget about everything, forget about war, forget about ill people and people in need, forget about everything that might distract them from each other. But they were strong in their believes. They were following their path and eventually they successed. Savanaha stayed with Tim until his last days and took care of his son. John completed all his missions for US army and when he returned home, they incidentally meet in one cafe.
So, it means that if each of us will follow their path and do what he/she is supposed to do in this life we will eventually find our happiness and we will be rewarded? But how to know what is exactly our duty? What exactly we are meant to do?

Вот у меня вопрос. А сколько раз в день ну или там в другой удобный для вас промежуток времени вы задумываетесь над тем, что вы делаете. При чем задумываетесь над этим вопрос в плане того, что данная задача/место/цель приносит для личностного развития, полноценности, счастья?
Как часто вы получаете ответ на этот вопрос: Много. Ну или хотя бы достаточно?

Или вот у меня другой вопрос. А как вы знаете, что занимаетесь любимым делом? Какие у вас критерии его оценки? Как вы знаете, что живете в стране, которая вам подходит или вы знаете, что вот именно эта работа подходит именно вам?

Может это я слишком много думаю, но мне почему то кажеться, что главным показателем должно быть ощущения счастья. И не важно какое именно проявление оно имеет для конкретного человека. Ну может быть для кого-то счастье это тот факт, что он/она может купить давно желанные вещи, ну или например поехать в какую-то далекую страну. Но я уверена, что есть и такие люди, для которых показатель счастья это чувство самореализации. И это опять таки зависит от того на какой из ступеней развития мы сейчас находимся.

Вы часто находите счастье в маленьких вещах? Ну например в красивом голубом небе над головой, или в улыбке любимого человека или в вкусном обеде?
Как часто вы чувствуете себя счастливым?

Happy Birthday to me...

So, my Birthday is coming in 2 weeks and I thought that I had a great plan how to celebrate it: First go to spa salon with friend of mine for several hours, have some massage, manicure and all stuff that girls like. Then I will go for a dinner with my boyfriend and have a romantic evening with him. I thought it is perfect. Until yesterday... When I spoke with my mum and she was asking me on phone what present do I want to get for my birthday (Consider that she is in Ukraine and I'm in US). I told her that I just want to get a birthday card from her and I want to get a call with birthday wishes. That's all. Of course mum insisted that she will send me some money, so that I can give some treat for myself. And then she asked: "So, how are you going to celebrate it this year?" I told her about my great plan. And then she is like: "That's how you really want to celebrate it?I thought that you like to throw great parties and have a lot of fun!" And since that talk I'm thinking about it. She is right. I really like Birthdays. Doesn't matter whether it is mine or someone else. I just like whole spirit of Birthday celebration. I think it is very nice when you have all your friends, family around you at that day and you actually celebrate someone birth. For me it is even kind of magical to some extend. When I was back home every year it was a big party. People were even waiting for it! Oh, October is getting to the end, soon Mikhed and Slavik will have their birthday party! People were coming for it from all over Ukraine and not only..... I miss those days.....
Even last year, when I just came to US I managed to have a party for 24 people at my place, even though I hardly knew anyone in this country.
So, what happened with me this year? Am I changing? Or getting older and becoming a boring personality? No, I will not let it happen with me! And I will keep on doing what I like, no matter what! Soooo, people, get ready for a good party this year! I will celebrate my Birthday the way I'm used to!

Fall depression

Probably it came to me as well. I don't know why. Everything seems to be fine, but when evening comes I actually start feeling sad.
Sometimes it comes ad goes. For example when I see pictures from India. Seriously, its like feeling that something essential is missing, like you know that there is that nirvana, that you are looking for and you can not reach it. I remember myself when I came from India. I could feel peace with myself. Maybe I was worried about some things that were happening at that time in my family, but I particularly can recall that state of mind, which I'm searching as a bliss now - PEACE. I had a peace with my dreams, with vision of myself, peace with life balance. Now I don't have it and its frustrating.
Every time when I think how much more I need to study I just freak out. Especially now, when I think about applying for PhD program. If I speak with someone around 30, which most of my friends here are (:)) they all recommend to do it, because most probably I will never come back to it. When I speak with friends of my age, they all recommend to go with Master's and get some decent job for gaining practical experience and gradually moving along career ladder. I think that both of this points have a positive benefit for me. As Jason said: At least PhD doesn't close any doors for you, but most probably open some. And I think that he has a point.
On the other hand I'm not sure whether I want to do science for the rest of my life. Because it seems that I will continue doing same thing that I'm doing right now just for bigger amount of money.
Working in pharmaceutical business seems to be at least more intense in terms of activities, meeting new people, being exposed to the world. I don't know, maybe my view is wrong, but at least that's how I see it.
Till the end of November I need to make my mind. Last-last time point is middle of December.

And I really-really miss Ukraine, my people, my friends, my family.....
Sometimes this feeling is so intense that I can feel physical pain.......
Sometimes I walk home from the lab and I can feel smell of Lviv. I know that I'm becoming psycho, but I don't care. And I know that I will not be able to go home until next May for sure.
So the only thing I can hope about is that some of my over-see friends will finally come to visit me!

But no matter what I'm still optimistic, because I know the reason why I came here and I will fulfill my goal, no matter how hard it is....

Jazz night

So, after living 1 year in Chicago I finally got a chance to go to jazz club. I know, I know what you would say, but I have plenty of excuses :)) No time, too much studying, no people to go with, so on and so force, if you REALLY want I can go on and on :)) So, this time things were different. This time I had plenty of free time, I had right people around me and we finally did it :)
So, we went to celebrate birthday of one of my new roommates. We chose Andy's Jazz, because of good comments on-line and particularly cause it is more like a bar/restaurant type, which has stage for performances and it is also quick old. It functions as a jazz club I think from 1950's or something like that.
I should also mention that personal in this place is really great, they were nice, hospitable and generally good. So, when we came that band was already performing, so we had to grasp the tune quite quickly :)) To say my impression in 3 words? It was great! I loved people. Band consisted of 3 people and they had such a synergy between each other! They were following variations started by other person in a second. After some time listening to them I felt like I'm back home, in Lviv, during Jazz festival that we have every year in Autumn. My mum and I really like to go there.
Music was surrounding us whole evening, whenever band was taking some time to relax, they were substituted by nice music selection made by hostess in that place.
Also, I should say that we had one of the best cocktails I tried so far :)

So, if you will ever have a chance to visit Chicago, you should go to Andy's Jazz and you will not be disappointed!

Stuff

So, here I am, done with 1st year of studying for Master's program in Medicinal Chemistry at UIC, Chicago, Illinois, USA. I'm still on probation level and still have to work my ass off to get out of it just because now I have permanent lab to work in.
In as week I will start new semester, new educational year. From one side I'm happy, because something new will happen with me, from another side I'm kind of scared that things will go wrong as they have tendency to do. But I have hope and it is the best motivational factor that I have so far.
My new roommates came and they are simply amazing, of course somehow special, but in their own manner. Every evening we have looooooong talks about everything in this world and it seems to be great to share sometimes similar, sometimes different opinions. It is already good, just because we have what to talk about, not like before, when awkward silence was our typical guest.
I'm still working in the lab, trying to pull all shit together and make my projects work and as I sad before some things just like to work in manner that is completely different to my plans.
I have a lot of thoughts whether I want to continue my education or I want to apply for jobs. Seems like I need some changes, I need some movement, so who knows, maybe I should start up-dating my CV ? :))
I started to feel more peaceful with myself. Maybe because I finally cut people that were like vampires in my life and now no one is sucking my energy. In general I feel more happy this days :) And I start to get used with US life. So, it is cool, right ? :)
This is probably all up-dates that I have so far :))

Передруковою на прохання цієї дівчини! Буду дуже сподіватись, що це може їй хоч якось допомогти!

ПОТРІБНА ДОПОМОГА!
Jul. 7th, 2020 at 9:30 AM

8 квітня 2009 року на мого тата Романчука Володимира був вчинений збройний напад людиною Гнатенком В.Г.(також групою осіб, яку він замовив для цього), якій тато допомагав взяти кредит в банку, позичав йому гроші з власних банківських карток, після чого він з трьома зламаними ребрами, численними гематомами, а також черепно-мозковою травмою від ударів молотка майже не міг ходити перші 2-3 тижні, перебував удома декілька місяців, притому що він один у нашій сім'ї працює. Передати страшні тортури, яким він підлягав, неможливо. Його били молотком по голові, били руками і ногами...Тобто, щоби не віддавати заборговані гроші, які тато вірно чекав і не наполягав, той покидьок вирішив здерти ці ж гроші з самого тата нелюдським болем. (Як пізніше було з'ясовано, він багатьом людям не віддав позичені кошти)
Я не хочу описувати усього, що було упродовж останнього року, адже це можна прочитати в одній із останніх татових заяв, яку я викладу нижче. Передати той страх, жах, який переслідував мене і мою сім'ю упродовж перших декількох місяців після того неможливо. В перші тижні нам дзвонили і говорили, що вб'ють нас, погрожували, що зроблять щось зі мною. В наступні 24 години після нападу нам наказали зібрали 50 тис. гривень, бо якщо ми цього не зробимо, - нас закопають. До вечора ми не змогли зібрати повну суму. За грішми прийшла "ліва" людина, притому наш знайомий, але ми гроші не віддали. Нас не закопали, настав ранок. Через 2 дні тато звернувся до правоохоронніх органів. Містечко маленьке, тато має власне підприємство - СТО, а тому всі добре його знають і спілкуються з ним, точніше спілкувалися до того моменту, доки ми не попросили допомоги. Проте коли була написана заява, приїхав обласний УБОЗ, щоби ніби запроторити того покидька, який замовив групу, що скоїла напад, все стало затихати...Начальник міліції сказав, що все буде гаразд. Але не сталося чуда, бо тут один одному кум-сват-брат. Також потрібно врахувати те, що той покидьок і дня не відсидів, бо його до сих пір не визнали винним у даній справі, і що правоохоронним органам ми надали інформацію, де приблизно можна знайти " групу невідомих осіб", які калічили тата. Він пустий, але чомусь має друзів, які заплатили за його недоторканість.
Тепер у нас великий список тих інстанцій, куди ми подавали заяви: починаючи з районної, обласної, генеральної прокуратур і закінчуючи Карпачовою, Ющенком та Януковичем. Також ми дзвонили на телеканали, але безуспішно. Справа багато разів передавалася із Новоград-Волинських інстанцій до Житомирських, одного разу вона також "ніби загубилася". Час від часу ми все одно продовжуємо писати, і отримуємо коротку одну й ту ж саму відповідь: " Досудове слідство триває, про результат ми вас повідомимо, особи, які некоректно ведуть слідство чи навмисно затягують, будуть покарані."
Наразі у нас заборгованість банку в 45 тис. (ті гроші, які по своїй доброті тато позичав тому уроду), зламана психіка і цілковите відчуття того, що виходу немає. Час від часу нападає страх, бо лишень, може, півроку тому ВОНИ припинили дзвонити і погрожувати. Урод спокійно собі весь цей рік ходить, їздить і посміхається нам в обличчя, адже у нього все добре, і за вільне весело обличчя заплатили друзі!
У нас було багато знайомих на той час, впливових знайомих, які могли би допомогти, проте, коли ми попросили посприяти у справі, - вони зробили вигляд, що дуже зайняті і не розуміють, що ж від них хочуть. Отак відсіялися усі, хто називався навіть "гарним знайомим". Звісно, зараз деякі повернулися і спілкуються з нами, але не зачіпаючи наболілої теми.
Я хочу, щоби моя сім'я жила в спокої, щоби нарешті головною була справедливість, щоби я знала, що той, хто покалічив фізично і морально мого тата, мене, мою сестричку і мою маму морально - відповів за скоєне.

Я прошу усіх, хто це прочитає, якщо ви або ваші знайомі мають можливість висвітлити цю історію у себе на персональних сторінках, в пресі чи по телебаченню, допоможіть. Повірте, неможливо отак жити, час від часу це спливає в думках, у снах, бо сидить у підсвідомості і розчаровуєшся у всьому і у всіх. Я не знаю іншого виходу, його немає. Мене виховали так, що Добро перемагає, що є справедливість, тому прошу, якщо можете і не боїтеся, посприяйте.

8.04.2009 в смт Ємільчине на території п/п Гнатенка В.Г. на мене був скоєний розбійний напад моїм фінансовим боржником, тим же Гнатенко, та групою озброєних осіб чисельністю приблизно 10 чоловік, яких він найняв для розправи наді мною, аби не віддавати мені борг. В результаті фізичних тортур я отримав черепно-мозкову травму, струс мозку, зламані ребра. При цьому насиллі ще й було відібрано гроші у сумі 500 $ та мопед. Про понівечення мого морального стану та моєї сім’ї годі й казати. З того страшного дня я маю скалічене тіло, величезний банківський борг( оскільки запозичені гроші для Гнатенка були з кредитних банківських карток на моє, дружини і доньчине ім’я). Як громадянин цієї країни - розраховував на захист та чесне розслідування з боку правоохоронних органів. Більше року ця кримінальна справа з абсолютно очевидними доказами вини Гнатенка В.Г. поступово перетворилася на химерну, коли Гнатенко - свідок! Але ж з першої хвилини після подання мною заяви щодо нападу на мене, правоохоронцями Ємільчинського райвідділу були прийняті міри для затримання Гнатенка та й через декілька годин прибули до Ємільчиного працівники обласного УБОЗ, адже був очевидним факт розбійного нападу. Далі ж події на місці гальмувались і нарешті після звернення до прокуратури кримінальну справу відкрили, але за статтями, які не відображають склад злочину. На мої численні звернення щодо перекваліфікації статтей, ніяких обґрунтованих відповідей ані від прокуратури, ані міліції не було.
Більше року слідство формальне і неефективне в пошуку озброєних бандитів та пред’явлення обвинувачення Гнатенко В.Г., хоч з мого боку та моїх свідків була надана вичерпна інформація щодо цих людей. Стосовно саме Гнатенка, як мого боржника і замовника розбою на мене, аферизм якого щодо багатьох жителів нашого селища, як на "диво" залишається безкарним з боку закону, не дивлячись за заяви багатьох проти нього до суду та прокуратури. На мої письмові заяви щодо Гнатенка, як замовника і учасника бандитського нападу на мене, ніяких дієвих реакцій з боку правоохоронців.

Friends

I'm all the time surrounded with people. In the lab, at home, in CTA, basically everywhere. And everywhere there are some norms or standards of behavior that we need to obey. In the lab, one need to work persistently, otherwise your PI will not be satisfied with your work and it might effect your nearest future. At home you need to be polite, not to cause any dramatical changes in roommates behavior, which can also cause you just additional headache, which you don't want to experience at all and I'm not even speaking about public transport, where you are supposed to speak not so loud, not to bother other people and so on.
But there is special group of people in my life, with whom you do not need to follow any rules or standards, because they love you for the person that you are, but not for the position, politeness and so on. When I recall all the gatherings for beer in all my beloved places in Lviv, I start to smile and not only with my face, but from the bottom of my heart. These people thow some ice in my heart that started to collect after this year. And every time when I remember them I can feel that warmth of relationship that our group had towards each other. And it once again makes me smile.
And at the same time it makes me sad, because all of you, my closest friends are so far away. All of you right now, are not even in one country, which might make it a bit easier to meet. And I don't even know when it will be possible to unite again and refresh all those memories that we have. But no matter what I'm very thankful to this life that I have you all! At least in my memories and in my heart.

Mothers

My roommate's mother came to visit her for approximately 2.5 months. They haven't seen each other for 9 months before that. You know, when she just arrived I couldn't see those exciting feeling between them. Nothing like watching on each other with those sparkles in the eyes. SO, I was confused. How is it possible that you haven't seen your mum for so long and you don't have exploding emotions or at least something more than average written on your face. And then time was passing. Talisa had lot's of studying and not always enough time for her mum, but still every evening they were having dinner together or at least something like that and I could see more and more that they have all this tremendous feelings, its just that they don't show them that much.
I will lie and tell that I was always happy with her mum presence in our apartment. I had different thoughts about all of it. I was disturbed many times, but now it doesn't matter, because she is leaving on Monday, which day after tomorrow. Maybe I will never see her again or maybe we will see each other somewhere in Iran, who knows :)
But today in the morning I had very touching conversation with her. Also, you should consider that she hardly speaks English. So, first of all, she was extremely happy to see me in the morning, that's why she hugged me very tightly and said some mice words. And then she started to cry. Because she is leaving in 2 days and her poor Talisa is alone here. No one from the family is here and something like that. I tried to calm her down, but we both know that it is impossible, when she is in such a mood. Then I was talking with Talisa in her room and her mum was several times coming to the room, but she had tears in her eyes, so she was all the time going away to wipe them and only after that come back. Eventually she managed to control her feelings and she came to the room and they were talking something in Farsi to each other and I could see it in their eyes. I could that SOMETHING that I didn't see when she came. And at that moment I realized that no matter how I was disturb or irritated I will never allow myself to disturb that meeting of daughter and mother, that tremendous meeting.

Its is up to you!

When you hear such phrase in AIESEC you get motivated, when you hear such phrase in US you get depressed. Difference is that when someone is telling it to you in AIESEC they most of the time mean that they will not interrupt your business and you have completely free environment for your imagination, but when you are told this phrase in US, it means that no one is willing to help you. I'm not saying that no one at all, but most of them. Most of the time they just don't want to spend some extra time and efforts on you. And worse situation is when you don't know exactly what you need to do, which people to contact and so on and so force. It can be an endless story.
I heard it to many times here... Too many times I was in shit. But maybe that's just life? I don't know.
One very typical example is life in University and communication between students. In my University in Ukraine if someone knew some news about the course, grades, extra studying sessions or something like that, news were spread in seconds. Here completely opposite, if you will not get direct e-mail from the professor, your colleagues will never share any information with you. Why? You should search for it by yourself. It is very individualistic society. The same during the lab work. They will give you some major hints about the work and that's it. Everything else you need to find my yourself. Dig in thousands of papers, materials and manuals and you need to come up with your own bright idea, otherwise you will not succeed first of all and second of all they might say that you steel someones idea, which can be a criminal case.
So, as you can see, it is hard :(
But no matter what I have to struggle :))